black and ugly as ever

Didn't know how long anything would last. We usually go into things, with high hopes and blind to the truth. Thats why we seek for strength when we're hurt. People crawl up under a belief and claim they're sanity. Am I, am I, am I here? I constantly wonder what's real and what isn't, and as far as I know whatever dimension I am in now doesn't seem suitable. I would say "I wish.." but I stopped wishing when my stars grew dim. Honestly, what are we doing here? Doesn't your world seem to be falling apart at the seams? I know you've noticed strange things happening as well. The quickest things that has been in and out my life is love. lol or whatever it is.

I never expect my actions to have consequences. Although I know they're capable of having some, I just never thought....*sigh* it feels like my will is weakened, lack of ambition after every pull. I haven't felt this way in years. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted and I can FINALLY breathe. FINALLY. I am free and I smile ten times more than everr before because I know now that whatever decision I make from this point on will either help me grow or destroy me. I've always known who to love, and who will guide me, but there is another thing I also always do as well, and that is what I want. It will take a long time for you to understand that I am the way I am because of my mind. I'm a walking tragedy and things don't get any better. Alot of the content inside of me, is crap and rainbow sprinkles but I am learning to be okay with that. Once I completely learn to be happy with myself, I will embrace all that I am and you will either turn your head from shame or love me.

My secret , is that I'm full of secrets. I've been considering telling my parents everything I've done since 12 and being released from this tension I think i have. But it's more profound than that. I write about myself alot, you'd think I know who I was by now. I know who I'm not. I know who you think I am, and I know who you think you are. I know about the facade you put up, all of it. Cut it out.... I love you, but I love me more right? There comes a time in a womans life where she has to make two crucial decisions. She either pursues her career goal (not what she wants) or she does what she loves with the man she loves. Because you and I both know there is always a man involved. What does she do?