i never had.

she's committed heinous crimes of the heart. bitch. she remembers only her childhood vividly, and she wants to share them with you. she wants to tell you how she feels out of place and is often misconceived. i spoke to her on many different affairs on how she feels bamboozled and abused; strange how her mind drifts and she is suddenly someone else, hating all that she (or who i thought she was) once loved. black and white, colored and melanin suppressant. "don't cry for me" she has often told me, "don't cry for me because i am not natural to your world. help me return". she speaks of this anachronistic world full of black grays and whites, chivalrous men, "queendoms", redemption, and she's absolutely no one but herself.

credo mutwa

piece of shit.

i've been through enough. i've had enough. being unable to verbalize my emotions, i am at a loss. like i've said times before, i attract alphas. we move the same our walks are synchronized we breathe in unison, but you and i somewhere down our many journeys failed to do so. you fell short somewhere. the only thing i came up with is your lack of melanin and my lack to adjust. my apologies. my apologies for being so easy to love. it is not hard for me to adapt. which i do so well. when i lay with someone my body fits every time. often when we leave my home together you fail to match my rhythm. you got me trippin, displaying public affection public anger. in public, you ignore me for shits and giggles you are more vigilant of your surroundings than the shit you've been doing to piss me off which builds up i might add. i can't stress any longer how much the minutia mistakes make a tremendous difference in how i view you. besides, while i was with you i have always said i am better alone or with an alpha. reasons i have tried so hard to over look the situation, was my love for you, the longevity (as you pointed out), and because you wanted to possess me when i had no interest in you. indeed mum was right about you playing with her daughter. i still can not fathom how you fail to see your faults. indeed i am an "asshole/bitch" (which is what you've called me, verbatim) but women are usually called such when they display some sort of control when they act as bosses and want what they want with no explanation. although, i am not praising myself, i want you to humble yourself. i want you to know, even though you believe otherwise, that i was never out to hurt you. there are times when i am silent in hopes you will somehow grasp why, but you don't. instead you make up shit "oh i know this face! isis is thinking...." i guess it's a hint for me to share, but i don't. my fault. you constantly ask me why people listen to me, why does anyone waste their time believing shit i say and i honestly have no answer. shit, i forget though i forget you enjoy the cute stuff you like pets i forget to not be as sensitive as most as i should. i am so small and fragile inside and you forget that too. i've been this way for as long as i can remember. while you sit there and try to figure it out try to understand how innocent my words are. there was never enough bliss, than when we kissed my words don't travel far and with every scar old and new i cant seem to understand why i am so pressed on going downstairs to you. he is a piece of me. now i see.

sticky situations

I don't have any friends at all

Cause I have nothin in common with y'all

So who's gonna catch me if I fall?

My back's always against the wall

i would like you to know, that i know. and who the fuck am i, right? cunt. i wonder how this story would be told, it has been heard so many times so many times. i wonder if i changed the characters, no. if i love him tell him twice, right? i had an apple and took true loves first bite bite bite but i'm sorry. so careless i am. so careless i was. i'm laughing at your curiosity you don't know who is he who is he he's here expressing. and he is hallow and what he says has more to do with how it is received. it's a wonderful experience i am alive the void i was trapped in it will no longer survive. life will never be perfect. trying harder to fit in, these scars were not worth it. la vie est bon but i always see. i am tearing it down living naturally. i cant strip my mind in front of you language is so vital i thought you knew. i apologize for not giving you enough attention i am too busy attending to myself and not to mention i didnt sign up to be your mother or have you father me. i am still alive the void i was trapped in was another mans ceiling ceiling ceiling had me feeling like a snow storm on a wednesday. suddenly, i'm okay. i now know what you do to me. i wonder why your sober thoughts wont greet me. i dont understand why you dont know what you want in life, why you dont make up your mind effectively, why you believe all that shit you read, why you let everything leak leak leak out of your pussy and onto his face while he is asleep sleep sleep. i realize that we too aren't the only ones making our own movies. i know like me you too feel watched. you feel a bit more secure with the idea that you have a conscious that you believe in god that you genuinely matter in someones life that you mattered at all and are not in a dream. i know like me you too want to know.

suicide has crossed my mind

no one will ever understand the pain and embarrassment. not being able to recollect my thoughts of that horrendous night is shameful. looking into my man eyes he was someone different he was looking past me. but you cant blame me everything concerns me. the insides of my thighs are killing me, i woke up swinging swinging swinging. so innocent that night was so innocent i was i don't care what matters to you you didnt care what you did to me. you disrespected me. everything was forced i even passed out swinging. i dont mean to bother you baby but right now right now right now how could this be whos gonna save me.

you were never ready for the lies

you're hair was short when we first met. the promise land, i was discovered. never knew how much i'd forget. besides, you're white and i'm colored. my mother warned me about staying true. so i wrote out a list of lies to tell you. one, you're feet are large and they really stink. two, i hate that your nipples are pink. three, you're favorite color's bleu. four, i rarely lie to you. five, i know all the shit you do. six, i'll never stay true. seven, i saw what you just did. O_o eight, i'd love to name my son madrid. nine and ten i'm about to shut my eyelids.

my words don't travel far.

i'm sorry. you should follow my lead, do exactly as i do. i won't say much, but i know your feelings for me grew. i have slight anxiety and it's dealt with tea and a song. it's our love i often write about, are we trying to make it lifelong? hmph, see i'm trying to rhyme and it's going all wrong-- how much i miss you, she said how much i miss you... passing you by a thousand times telling you a thousand lies. it's easy when there's nothing to lose, when eye had nothing to lose. i've been so tactless that i've forgotten to love. i've forgotten the minor things in all relationships weighs out the major things and i'd rather read your poem than suck your dick. so you see, the situation changes and our attitudes fluctuate. i have been placed under this spell of amnesia and with you back in my life, i am more blindly optimistic. Almost positively sure everything works out for the better used to ease my sorrows. the way your face lights up when you see me used to ease my sorrows. covering my body with over a hundred kisses used to ease my sorrows. weed used to ease my sorrows. hell, i bet if i called you back immediately after every time i hung up--- i shouldn't hang up. maybe i should be as docile as you want me to be. i think about it when you grow aggravated. i consider toning down, but i'd rather not. i will. I've lost the ego when i decided to give my all in this relationship. i decided he's more important than my pride and all of that bullshit because shit like that blinds you. it helps you forget. it loves when you forget. the ego is always in search for acceptance, it always needs to be fed. this is why we continuously ask for attention. although, during that moment in life when you're stumped about who you are and where you're going, as soon as all boundaries crumble you will be amidst chaos. due to the chaos, you are afraid of losing the ego. in order to break this cycle you must be daring, therefore the confusion period which caused the chaos will be short. if you live in fear, you will revert and hide behind your ego. i've been over this life so many times before, this life is a bore. i'm sorry, he says. he is an asshole. apologies should be kept away for when you kick me while you walk past me to get to the couch, or for when you make my tea too sweet. apologies are short excuses that i'd rather not have in my life. apologies should be locked away. apologies only work if there's head immediately after. when you apologize you have intentions on doing it again. if you didnt mean it you wouldnt have done it to begin with.