sticky situations

I don't have any friends at all

Cause I have nothin in common with y'all

So who's gonna catch me if I fall?

My back's always against the wall

i would like you to know, that i know. and who the fuck am i, right? cunt. i wonder how this story would be told, it has been heard so many times so many times. i wonder if i changed the characters, no. if i love him tell him twice, right? i had an apple and took true loves first bite bite bite but i'm sorry. so careless i am. so careless i was. i'm laughing at your curiosity you don't know who is he who is he he's here expressing. and he is hallow and what he says has more to do with how it is received. it's a wonderful experience i am alive the void i was trapped in it will no longer survive. life will never be perfect. trying harder to fit in, these scars were not worth it. la vie est bon but i always see. i am tearing it down living naturally. i cant strip my mind in front of you language is so vital i thought you knew. i apologize for not giving you enough attention i am too busy attending to myself and not to mention i didnt sign up to be your mother or have you father me. i am still alive the void i was trapped in was another mans ceiling ceiling ceiling had me feeling like a snow storm on a wednesday. suddenly, i'm okay. i now know what you do to me. i wonder why your sober thoughts wont greet me. i dont understand why you dont know what you want in life, why you dont make up your mind effectively, why you believe all that shit you read, why you let everything leak leak leak out of your pussy and onto his face while he is asleep sleep sleep. i realize that we too aren't the only ones making our own movies. i know like me you too feel watched. you feel a bit more secure with the idea that you have a conscious that you believe in god that you genuinely matter in someones life that you mattered at all and are not in a dream. i know like me you too want to know.

whatisitaboutmen.

i figure it like this, you either win or you die. those are my two extremes, no in betweens like AT ALL. what do i do to you when you gaze into my eyes? what happens to you when i lie? i've been keeping myself busy lately. i'm blaming my lack of discipline, and my knack for procrastinating. art art aren't you a biology major, studyyyyyyy. these eyes, these eyes need drying. and her heart needs mending.... literally. i am the infinite darkness, and i am most comfortable in your bed. naked. raw. you are growing so distant, and so are my thoughts. i wish you were aware, completely.

the only emotion i tend to readily display is anger, and i intend on keeping it that way." -my bitter cousin ilh<3>

try to write a love song. for me. and i'll tell you I DO. the only thing chicks want out of life is someone to protect her, believe me she like to feel secure. and the only thing dudes want is for his 'one that got away' to say I DO, and to apologize. or maybe not hahaa. i won't know. i live in a world full of fantasy, so please keep your reality away from me...

you used to do things to me. thin air, and i feel the tickle of the grass beneath my toes. then i always wonder why i left, and the things that i know are make believe. i made him believe. but your story's so old.. so old... so old stories are what i tell you now. they worked then, so why not now. why not now? i'm cleaning out my closet. what the fuck does that mean anyway, and what closet does everyone happen to always clean out? i try to sleep.
this is me cleansing...

i drew them -- do you see my signature? Isis M.

obscene obession to the "bling"

i gotta let him go.... they say the blacker the berry, the deeper the roots. mmmm. hahaa, they don't lie.
there were letters without a postage stamp. letters i needed to get rid of, but i had no stamp. there are never stamps when you need them, like people. people are rarely there, atleast the person you need, when you need them to be. my letter, fortunately, never needs stamps. my letters speak, they breathe, and someday when i look into your eyes, you'll be albe to read that letter. there was a sun shower today. i tried to write a song, about you. it's so hard to focus, and i need to master how you do it. once i do, i'll miss you half as much as you miss me. the better to see you with my dear. i wish to feel smaller in your hands, and under your sheets -- it doesn't matter who i am, or who i pretend to be. just smoke cigarettes and sleep... the morning after i realise i'm sick and tired of trying to be tough. you know? i'm going to stub my pinky toe, my heart is going to break, my soul may break, the right side of my brain will be erased of all the love that is stored there, i might forget you, but not these moments. the pitt gets deeper...
and who the fuck do i think i am? i'd raher be young, espicially during these times. i just hope my love is enough. "..and we'll travel, and i'll get you all the shoes you want" he says he says he says he says. i'm telling a story, of many. get-out-of-my-head. i just want to know what life would be like if i was a bit taller. about 5' 11". kill the cows, make burgers. kill the turkey, make a thanksgiving meal. kill me and make chipotle! ahoy mate!!!!!!


and just like that.... my soul was put through a paper shredder. i died.
what was yours like?

a subway to venus...

Thought what I wanted was something I needed. When mama said "NO!" then I just should've heeded.

My soul is weary. I guess I do have morals. -said you'd be there for me-I've found a way to resist temptation. I'm a sagittarius so it's a bit hard, it's extremely hard. let me love you--

INTOXICATING

He's like my personal brand of cocaine... I'll wait, i usually don't wait though, i need to learn to hold compulsure. my Sun God did say im very spotaneous-- Sun God; hes now ready for me yet =[... At any rate, i'm always the one to rush into situations -- we'll call it. and if you KNOW me, as i believe you do, then you know i never give people time. as soon as i'm single i feel like i need to belong to someone, as if i need someone to hold me at night, in need of someone to feel the void of you. i have that now. not temporarily... if you feel like i feel please let me know that its real? I just cant be with no oone else-- there has been times when i've wondered why i'm with you, noone's hurt me more than you. i used to live for you, i thought. so many chances, i just didnt understand why i KEPT LETTING YOU BACK INNNNNN. digressss........ soooo, he doesnt like onions and i happen to cook with onions. hes tall, and im extremely short, i sometimes watch him in his sleep, precious dark skin tone... sweetest thing i've known. "at long last love has arrived, and i thank God i'm alive" he makes me happy, he doesnt realize it yet, he will. i smile alot for no reason at all around him. if he saw me when i was crazy bitter then he'd notice the change. time is moving so fast down here, i miss nyc so much. im always anxious for the evenings, thats when we spend most of our time together. --where were YOU when i needed you?-- he's so far away sometimes, just so hard to read. his stares and size is what makes me yern during the day. our love is strong. im so soft man, like i never wanted to get like this again. got me blogging about this shit. **sigh** now that i found you stay. i come back home smelling like you, you're straight occuppying my thoughts. and most times i love to hard-- i'm not as open as i know i can be, but when we get there i'll love you. trust in me.

cant take my eyes off of you - lauryn hill; that totally describes me right now. =\

i know i need to edit this OD...but i wont

this one's about me.

I've been bitter for as long as I can remember. Cold, he called me, like liquid nitrogen cold. I'll try very hard not to freewrite, but no promises. This transition began before I even bled, before I even knew the meaning of reproduction-- you've opened my eyes and still a bit blurred, I see. Trying to please everyone around me has caused me to loose a sense of myself. I have so many different levels of evil.... I digress. You know you're not everything I want, but you try to be. Telling me "you'll love me after this", or "anything you want, you got it" isn't making me love you any more or less. But I appreciate you for that. I appreciate the big things, as well as the minor things, but the bigger things more because they rarely happen. A perfect night, no matter the day, is with any 7 of my Audrey Hepburn films, a bowl of Top Ramen noodles and you. I'm not hard to please, but you are just so fucking difficult. I tell you what I want, you want to know how I feel. I'm young so I can't even decipher my own feelings. Only able to tell you what I want, when I want it has gotten me no where, but here. Over three hundred cuts/scars on my legs and arms, and you want to know the story for every last one. And I commend him. I commend him only because he knows that I know he doesn't want to know shit about my childhood; he only wants to know what skills I've learned from my childhood so he can expierence euphoria. I know I'm not the best and I know you think I am; when I fail you're either shocked or not suprised at all. It scares me how well you think you know me, yet I'm not fully aware of myself. Writing this will only lead to further destruction. I pray this will help me, but I don't know half the time why I'm angry. Surrounding myself with friends, strangers at that, so I'll feel more comfortable in my own skin. Healing is better when you're with people who don't know you well enough to judge you. I try to be on the scene as much as possible now, seems like thats tearing bits of me away. I noticed how down I wanted to be and it disgusted me. I nearly died at the thought of me becoming what I most despise-- not to sure if I despise anyone really. I'm shit compared to most. Scary how harsh I judge myself, I don't agree at all. Better me than someone who didnt see it coming. He texted me: "I smoke and 'find myself', and hardly ever find anything." That shit made so much sense to me, i el oh elled it away and acted as if it didn't phase me. Me an him talk too much on lost love, being out of love, living surrounded by love, love leaving us, people misaking sex with love, shit that I don't want to discuss because I'm not soft. People tend to equate sex with love to often. Not me though, which is why I can't speak on that topic vividly. I knew when I loved, how to love certain people, how I should carry myself in the presence of those I thought loved me. Shit like that made me appear genuine, sincere even, but I'm lost now. Don't know when it's the real me talking or the actress. They told me they'd rather die than find out I not Who I said I was. But who would they find out this information from? And isn't death our only promise? . I hate being in these situations where the male swears to Jehovah himself that he's better than me, and I have to put him in his place because he didn't expect me to know what the fuck is was/is that I want in life. Fuck what you fucking heard, I am Isis. I've been placed on this earth for one purpose and that is? --please tell me. Living in this goal-obsessed society to be someone who isn't quite sure what they want is hard as fuck! Guidance isn't what I need, I need someone who doesn't know who the fuck I am to evaulate me. To make a damn good hypothesis and tell me the conclusion. If I'm hopeless, let me rot. I've been rotting since birth, I won't mind.

interracial dating, and such

you are my man. the one i am to confide in, you are my rock, and my strength. you are here to take the pain away, you're here to make shit better. yet, you constantly do things, that only you know how to do, to hurt me. mentally. but i allow it.

throughout life we constantly say "what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger" , but were they talking physically or mentally?

yall say you DONT want your woman to walk around in the skimpy shorts, and shirts that expose much of our stomach/boobs. but YET thats what you look at... thats what you YERN for. you guys gawk at those women while you're with your boys. but when YOUR woman does it its "GET BACK IN THE HOUSE" or what have you...

at any rate.
i'm walking with a friend and we were having a conversation about hair extentions, false nails, faux eyelashes and things of that. now he says "i dont get why 'my sistas' feel the need to resort to the european way of life." i punch him because i have on false nails. i spoke to him about how "my black men" chase these european women, and how we fell the need to save you all that trouble and just imitate them. we switch from european to white skinned women often. when i mention white skin i mean, you dont even fit in the yellow catergory. but, he gives me some shit about how the white colored women are natural--i correct him and tell him their hair isnt as thick as ours and that they get tracks [extensions] to make it full. i tell him how their eyelashes are full because their hair isnt. he tells me how turned off he is by their complextion, then says how in power he felt when he conquered yet another woman ligher than me. he talks about how it feels as if hes going aganist his parents, and i told him he is, if his parents knew what he was doing. He told me their bodies dont even turn them on completely, shapeless and pale. their attitude is "sweet and sincere. they throw themselves at me and i please". outraged.

i said, "black men dont want us to imitate them but yall constantly chase after them. why not look like something our men yern for? we want to be what you need." he says "we know where home is, but we need to venture off and 'test' our waters."

LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! let a affair like that occur in the 70s in one of the fuckin carolinas you'd be lynched. YESS THINGS LIKE THAT WENT ON THAT EARLY IN TIME. and they still occur now, people choose to mention what LARGE news is, and lynching in 2008 isnt large.
welll i guess he hates me, because he relizes how wrong his argument was. he calls me racist, i have a vaiety of races in my family. but i told him how confused i was when he he said they were "sweet and sincere" -- hell im sweet! i just dont get how interracial couples can take the hate filled stares that are shot their way. i still want him to tell me why he'd prefer something less than a queen, and why when we choose to assimilate yall STILL dont want us.

wounds bleed fresh

It's been a while since I've last seen you. You talk about change, but in all honesty we can't. I'm sorry you're so hung up on the fact that our distance has changed you. That it has allowed you to grow up and progress? Sincerely, I doubt it. I've been in your shoes too often to believe these new weekly "I'm a changed man" speeches. Yes, you have changed, your outter existence has changed. Mentality only progressed... for the worst. Our conversations are usually about the past which was more than 3 years ago. I am definately not that girl, and I'd like you to stop talking about her. I'm molding myself to become more resistent. And yea.. I knowww you and youuu want me to be an open book, but this time I won't feed into the bullshit you enjoy seeing me believe. I'd grow, maybe even prosper and become more self reliant. That girl was pure-- I'm tainted and I've been used and I've accepted what I've become. I like my raw, nonchalant, fuck the world attitude. Because I only see myself in it. I can only see my struggles, my hardships, my pains. I'm sorry when you speak to me about 'how much you've changed' I don't have the right responses. I give you all of my raw emotion and you either have to take it or not. I understand you're going through it but so am I... so is everyone. Those little arguments with your mom, your sister, and your MIA dad aren't new to me. Debates with your fmaily, the ones you'd die for, shouldn't make you a changed man. Females you've been with shouldn't changed you either. But I understand you're like me, we're to tainted people living in the world we made up. Where only me and you exist. Dwelling on the past, we believe that when you return we'll be what we were... you said i was impossible to read, well imagine me now. It'll be easier to move on and to still keep in touch instead of forcing this to work out. Its like spraying perfume on shit. well.. c'est la vie, we'll figure it out i guess. till next time.


- frio- april fools?

this is for you...

watch the company you keep.
Bitches is triflin', so to speak.

I'm not even trying to rhyme. Bitches, i have none in my circle, as far as I know. I did though. We was cool, it was seven fo us, chicks. NOW I KNOWWWWW SEVEN SEVEN?!!! GIRLS TOGETHER IS A HASSEL, but we pulled through. We knew the snakes, but we labeled them wrong. One snake didnt get kicked out, which made our team fall. She's busty shes FAT yeaa BITCHH YOU ARE OVER WEIGHT!!!


fellas you might like this one...
photo credit: www.myspace.com/streetsweepers



i dont give a fck.
SHES .. IM NOT EVEN GOING TO CALL HER A BITCH... BECAUSE I'VE BEEN CALLED A BITCH, AND I'VE BEEN THE BADDEST BITCH THERE IS SO... SHE'S THAT GUNK ON THE BOTTOM OF THOSE HOMELESS NIGGAS SHOES, ON 168TH.

Father Time

Count your belssings.


I want you to have more faith in me. I want nothing I need. I want convincing. I want to be surrounded by negative people, so I'll be forced to look for the positive ones. I want to live. And I want to love, unconditionally.

Strong? Not enough. more than half my energy goes into pleasing everyone, which I do so well i might add. This facade I put on is annoying. &&if i didnt have it what will my other half hold? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; ccourage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. There is no room for flaws, abslutely no room for pleasure. This is the long road, and you either roll with it and stick it out or you die, no easier way to put it. You must, and I mean this sincerely, must know who you are and stand your grounds. You're stronger than you believe, and more capable than most. I have faith in you; as I do all my friends but you the most because you... you don't believe.

I honestly thought I couldn't figure you out, but I did. I really did. I know what your going through, I cannot help you escape but all I can do is pray, and ask my man to pray. idk what else you'll need besides a little push because you're not taking our guidance. All we can ask for is time. Time should do the body good. Father Time please, with all generosity, give us more time.yeah yeah I understand the shit emerson wrote about nature and shit like that... time waits but not for mankind. you numbers up and it's spared, so fuckin what have mercy on us, a little sympathy, better yet EMPATHY would be better. Then maybe you understand can actually grasp what it's like to fill in shoes that are 20 times your size. I truly thought I had you down to a T. But I can't make you wait, just promise me you won't give up; not even on the ones who've given up.



- Amen?

people

growing my mom always showed me dogs and told me, that when people own dogs for a long time they begin to look like their owner, and vice-versa. i began to see it more and more. then as i told her stories about how my friends act and how they're so up tight, and not full of life she suggested meeting their parents.

my mom, shes completely blazè‘bla, like nothing fazes her, and she so nonchalant. i've picked that up, but then i've realized how unopen i've become because its, "noone's business". opening up in relationships is even hard. I've mastered expression through writing. but verbally i'm a mess. my mom doesnt believe in trust, nor do i. she quoted the bible millions of times, saying "trust in no man says the Lord trust in me i am the Lord." not being able to trust completely, i'll never reveal true feelings. learning as i go, i realize how much more of my mother i'm being. shes cool though, her aura is great. but i have a slight attitude. i think i argue way to much when i'm wrong.
anywho...

people are their parents.
my friends worry to much about the little things, and shit like whats going to happen next, and i'm like lets finish the day 1st. its always "what if" with them. never wanting ot just go out their and do. another one of my characteristics. my ex is to much like his mom... so needy, and oblivious to other people's emotions. another ex, is just, he's almost like really picky, picks so many issues, and i used to call him a nag and a bitch because he bitched so much but you can't blame him. because so did his mother. i guess your influenced by the people your mainly around. my parents divorced when i was like 6 i believe, so mom was there alot, i visit dad but not enough to act like him.
although i do, because we're both sagittarius', so its hard not to act like him.

but i just don't like it when i see so much of my friends parent in them, you just want to say "STFU!! AND SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!" but noone can help it.
its natural.




{another thing my mom says}

So I've been thinking...

I can never reveal true feelings. So... I shop. Working to support my habbit, I have no $$$ saved.