Count your belssings.
I want you to have more faith in me. I want nothing I need. I want convincing. I want to be surrounded by negative people, so I'll be forced to look for the positive ones. I want to live. And I want to love, unconditionally.
Strong? Not enough. more than half my energy goes into pleasing everyone, which I do so well i might add. This facade I put on is annoying. &&if i didnt have it what will my other half hold? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; ccourage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. There is no room for flaws, abslutely no room for pleasure. This is the long road, and you either roll with it and stick it out or you die, no easier way to put it. You must, and I mean this sincerely, must know who you are and stand your grounds. You're stronger than you believe, and more capable than most. I have faith in you; as I do all my friends but you the most because you... you don't believe.
I honestly thought I couldn't figure you out, but I did. I really did. I know what your going through, I cannot help you escape but all I can do is pray, and ask my man to pray. idk what else you'll need besides a little push because you're not taking our guidance. All we can ask for is time. Time should do the body good. Father Time please, with all generosity, give us more time.yeah yeah I understand the shit emerson wrote about nature and shit like that... time waits but not for mankind. you numbers up and it's spared, so fuckin what have mercy on us, a little sympathy, better yet EMPATHY would be better. Then maybe you understand can actually grasp what it's like to fill in shoes that are 20 times your size. I truly thought I had you down to a T. But I can't make you wait, just promise me you won't give up; not even on the ones who've given up.
- Amen?
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
FUCK THE FRAIL SHIT - SMR
I've been through it. There's nothing anyone else can say to convince me otherwise. I know of your heartaches, pains, crying in the shower WHATEVERR ELSE, I'm not ignorant to it. I've had 5 years since virgin eyes escaped. I'm not immune to these scars but I am used to them. I've no knowledge of a cure but just stay away from them. Their a cult, a bad habit, personal heroin if you have one. You already know what it is, no need for me to justify.
I've held the truth. Embraced it's thrusts. Heard it's lies. And settled for less. Life goes the fuck on ladies. Get over yourselves. I'm stuck. But you... you can prosper. My mistakes-- let them be my mistakes. I doubt I need you to point out my faults and flaws. And if you believe in me enough I bet you can imagine me in a better place than where I am now. I don't need your pity. I'm actually glad, no longer morbid-- no longer reminiscing about the yesterdays, and last years we've spent. During my youth, when I didn't know you, when I've never encountered you.
You. I love you dearly darling I do. But I haven't quite grasped what any of my thoughts mean.
[*] you'd never guess.
I've held the truth. Embraced it's thrusts. Heard it's lies. And settled for less. Life goes the fuck on ladies. Get over yourselves. I'm stuck. But you... you can prosper. My mistakes-- let them be my mistakes. I doubt I need you to point out my faults and flaws. And if you believe in me enough I bet you can imagine me in a better place than where I am now. I don't need your pity. I'm actually glad, no longer morbid-- no longer reminiscing about the yesterdays, and last years we've spent. During my youth, when I didn't know you, when I've never encountered you.
You. I love you dearly darling I do. But I haven't quite grasped what any of my thoughts mean.
[*] you'd never guess.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
drunk & hotGIRLS
I enjoy my friends....
we party way to much and... drinking has become, not apart of me but it feels great, the after affect. You feel so numb and you have control, but you choose to loose it. You can stop pretending and just chill.
drinking is like shopping... getting drunk is like eating a hot breakfast. vomiting on the 4 and 5 trains (NYC) thats like getting yelled at by your parents....ahem.
I'm a reg. girl, partying to much, not drinking enough.
thats all.
we party way to much and... drinking has become, not apart of me but it feels great, the after affect. You feel so numb and you have control, but you choose to loose it. You can stop pretending and just chill.
drinking is like shopping... getting drunk is like eating a hot breakfast. vomiting on the 4 and 5 trains (NYC) thats like getting yelled at by your parents....ahem.
I'm a reg. girl, partying to much, not drinking enough.
thats all.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
people
growing my mom always showed me dogs and told me, that when people own dogs for a long time they begin to look like their owner, and vice-versa. i began to see it more and more. then as i told her stories about how my friends act and how they're so up tight, and not full of life she suggested meeting their parents.
my mom, shes completely blazè‘bla, like nothing fazes her, and she so nonchalant. i've picked that up, but then i've realized how unopen i've become because its, "noone's business". opening up in relationships is even hard. I've mastered expression through writing. but verbally i'm a mess. my mom doesnt believe in trust, nor do i. she quoted the bible millions of times, saying "trust in no man says the Lord trust in me i am the Lord." not being able to trust completely, i'll never reveal true feelings. learning as i go, i realize how much more of my mother i'm being. shes cool though, her aura is great. but i have a slight attitude. i think i argue way to much when i'm wrong.
anywho...
people are their parents.
my friends worry to much about the little things, and shit like whats going to happen next, and i'm like lets finish the day 1st. its always "what if" with them. never wanting ot just go out their and do. another one of my characteristics. my ex is to much like his mom... so needy, and oblivious to other people's emotions. another ex, is just, he's almost like really picky, picks so many issues, and i used to call him a nag and a bitch because he bitched so much but you can't blame him. because so did his mother. i guess your influenced by the people your mainly around. my parents divorced when i was like 6 i believe, so mom was there alot, i visit dad but not enough to act like him.
although i do, because we're both sagittarius', so its hard not to act like him.
but i just don't like it when i see so much of my friends parent in them, you just want to say "STFU!! AND SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!" but noone can help it.
its natural.
{another thing my mom says}
my mom, shes completely blazè‘bla, like nothing fazes her, and she so nonchalant. i've picked that up, but then i've realized how unopen i've become because its, "noone's business". opening up in relationships is even hard. I've mastered expression through writing. but verbally i'm a mess. my mom doesnt believe in trust, nor do i. she quoted the bible millions of times, saying "trust in no man says the Lord trust in me i am the Lord." not being able to trust completely, i'll never reveal true feelings. learning as i go, i realize how much more of my mother i'm being. shes cool though, her aura is great. but i have a slight attitude. i think i argue way to much when i'm wrong.
anywho...
people are their parents.
my friends worry to much about the little things, and shit like whats going to happen next, and i'm like lets finish the day 1st. its always "what if" with them. never wanting ot just go out their and do. another one of my characteristics. my ex is to much like his mom... so needy, and oblivious to other people's emotions. another ex, is just, he's almost like really picky, picks so many issues, and i used to call him a nag and a bitch because he bitched so much but you can't blame him. because so did his mother. i guess your influenced by the people your mainly around. my parents divorced when i was like 6 i believe, so mom was there alot, i visit dad but not enough to act like him.
although i do, because we're both sagittarius', so its hard not to act like him.
but i just don't like it when i see so much of my friends parent in them, you just want to say "STFU!! AND SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!" but noone can help it.
its natural.
{another thing my mom says}
Friday, August 8, 2008
monophobia
First thing monday morning I'm gonna pack my tears away. - Toni
So... as we age we search for happiness, in love. But I've learned, from Woody Allen that:
So... as we age we search for happiness, in love. But I've learned, from Woody Allen that:
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness."
Fear of being alone is critical. But there comes a time where we must go our own way. Alone is just something we have to settle for. And I use the word "settle" loosly. But lonliness is not permanent, breakups ususally hurt the most and life still goes on.
Single again. You hate thinking about him. You settle.
Trying hard not to settle again you strive for better. Burying your self in too much homework, activities after school, your lousy cashier job and parent jumping down your back about college applications, you feel everything is in its correct place. Trying to cope with reality is hard so you block it out.
I'm a shopper, so just imagine how i block reality out, I have overdrafts on my bank cards...
The decision I made earlier... *playing; Why does it hurt so bad - Whitney Houston* But, I'll be forever theirs.
Fear of being alone is critical. But there comes a time where we must go our own way. Alone is just something we have to settle for. And I use the word "settle" loosly. But lonliness is not permanent, breakups ususally hurt the most and life still goes on.
Single again. You hate thinking about him. You settle.
Trying hard not to settle again you strive for better. Burying your self in too much homework, activities after school, your lousy cashier job and parent jumping down your back about college applications, you feel everything is in its correct place. Trying to cope with reality is hard so you block it out.
I'm a shopper, so just imagine how i block reality out, I have overdrafts on my bank cards...
The decision I made earlier... *playing; Why does it hurt so bad - Whitney Houston* But, I'll be forever theirs.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
tired; trends
FELLAS! Honestly, what the fuckk happened to the genuine and sincere guys???
–adjective, -sin-seer
1. free of deceit, hypocrisy, or falseness; earnest: a sincere apology.
2. genuine; real: a sincere effort to improve; unimpaired.
I don't mean sensitive, or overly emotional. Like COME ONNN it's 2008, I want you to be smoooth. Smooth like butter. Like we (bitches) want you to be debonaire a fuckin' casanova! Shun, I want you to sweep me up on a magical carpet. I want you to say "tummy" instead of abdomen. I want you to not smother me. I need space but dont be sooo distant. I want us to hang out like me and my guy friends (if you have guy friends... because i dont) I want us to go shopping TOGETHER, not you holding my bags and watching. (althought imma debit card/catalog kinda girl =/) yea.. go missing for x amount of days, but its to keep things fresh. I want you to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, and actually fulfill the. We have to share secrets. You have to understand that my girls come 1st, even the "triflin" ones. I need you to fuck what your boys say, because they DO want me. =x
All of these guys now are just "fck bitches get money" biggy and kim type shit.
NOT FEELING IT! Be genuine.. be you, but not so much you.
–adjective, -sin-seer
1. free of deceit, hypocrisy, or falseness; earnest: a sincere apology.
2. genuine; real: a sincere effort to improve; unimpaired.
I don't mean sensitive, or overly emotional. Like COME ONNN it's 2008, I want you to be smoooth. Smooth like butter. Like we (bitches) want you to be debonaire a fuckin' casanova! Shun, I want you to sweep me up on a magical carpet. I want you to say "tummy" instead of abdomen. I want you to not smother me. I need space but dont be sooo distant. I want us to hang out like me and my guy friends (if you have guy friends... because i dont) I want us to go shopping TOGETHER, not you holding my bags and watching. (althought imma debit card/catalog kinda girl =/) yea.. go missing for x amount of days, but its to keep things fresh. I want you to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, and actually fulfill the. We have to share secrets. You have to understand that my girls come 1st, even the "triflin" ones. I need you to fuck what your boys say, because they DO want me. =x
All of these guys now are just "fck bitches get money" biggy and kim type shit.
NOT FEELING IT! Be genuine.. be you, but not so much you.
Love is the slowest form of suicide...
erotophobia
Seriously, I'm a sucker for cuddling, kisses on my neck, and sushi. Mix all of them together and feed it to me please. Guys are an accesory and its cool if you have one, but one things for sure ladies, they get older but they don't grow up. Happily, I come to you in search of an answer for why now, like RIGHT NOW, when I'm soo confident in myself and my relationship, would ex's I've adorded are returning? My love life isnt at all bad, except for my crazy blackouts on the phone and such. But overall we're in blissmode, wordLIFE.
I'm totally trying to move forward. Ex's, i dont mind that your back, but pleaseee pleaseeeeeee PLEASE! respect that I've moved farther past "us".
Their existence isnt anything new, they've been here before you and they will continue to be here. Reminicing as I am trying to forget, causes confusion in whom I really and truly miss. ..."Love is a battlefield"... I'm far from lovesick but am I really?.. Going back is just outdated. I'm focused, i dont really want to think about the past to much, although everything that occured shapped me. =/
Essentially, absence is the judgement that there is something more important than fear.
Love conquers all.
I'm totally trying to move forward. Ex's, i dont mind that your back, but pleaseee pleaseeeeeee PLEASE! respect that I've moved farther past "us".
Their existence isnt anything new, they've been here before you and they will continue to be here. Reminicing as I am trying to forget, causes confusion in whom I really and truly miss. ..."Love is a battlefield"... I'm far from lovesick but am I really?.. Going back is just outdated. I'm focused, i dont really want to think about the past to much, although everything that occured shapped me. =/
Essentially, absence is the judgement that there is something more important than fear.
Love conquers all.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
So I've been thinking...
I can never reveal true feelings. So... I shop. Working to support my habbit, I have no $$$ saved.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
It's over
I've got a life to start living. I don't want you apart of it. Finally, I feel free man. I have my job, I have my techonology, I live in the BESTTTest city EVERRR! I have responsibilities, this small sense of freedom is better than anything.
I do not want to be held down. At the bottom of your pocket, like small change and you just happen to use me when you need to spend exactly $3.24¢. I want and have many options. I'm not trying to get married to my "high school" sweet heart. I want to marry my College love. I have soooo much I didn't have a chance to do when i was younger. I have so many spree's to go on, so many sex-capades. I don't want to grow up to fast, just a lil' sex here and there would be fine, but do not hold me down. It's over.
I'm a Sagittarius, and we, of the Fire Signs, aren't one's to be fucked with. We settle, but not for long. We don't like something, we'll let you know. Now my birthday's on November 22, which makes me the last day for the Scorpio or the first day for the Sagittarius, depending on the moon. I'm on the cust, the border. I need my space, I need someone to be free with me.
But like, in the end I'm mad at myself and not you. I'm mad for always accepting your lack of working ethics, and responsibility. I made you my .. life? and allowed you to depend on me. I didn't want to get to attatched, I thought about you way to much, I think i even dreamed about you, when I could remember them. The person that isn't supposed to let you down, probably will yo, and it hurts the most. OVER.
[this blog was edited august 2]
I just want someone who can make me smile by just standing next to me...
I do not want to be held down. At the bottom of your pocket, like small change and you just happen to use me when you need to spend exactly $3.24¢. I want and have many options. I'm not trying to get married to my "high school" sweet heart. I want to marry my College love. I have soooo much I didn't have a chance to do when i was younger. I have so many spree's to go on, so many sex-capades. I don't want to grow up to fast, just a lil' sex here and there would be fine, but do not hold me down. It's over.
I'm a Sagittarius, and we, of the Fire Signs, aren't one's to be fucked with. We settle, but not for long. We don't like something, we'll let you know. Now my birthday's on November 22, which makes me the last day for the Scorpio or the first day for the Sagittarius, depending on the moon. I'm on the cust, the border. I need my space, I need someone to be free with me.
But like, in the end I'm mad at myself and not you. I'm mad for always accepting your lack of working ethics, and responsibility. I made you my .. life? and allowed you to depend on me. I didn't want to get to attatched, I thought about you way to much, I think i even dreamed about you, when I could remember them. The person that isn't supposed to let you down, probably will yo, and it hurts the most. OVER.
[this blog was edited august 2]
I just want someone who can make me smile by just standing next to me...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
And then there were 3...
Darling your shit is WEAK...you're a proximity infatuation...a convenience...the easy way out. Let that forever be embedded in your psyche. SERIOUSLY?! I do not play "mind games". I'm beyond that. Honestly, alot of guys throw themselves at me... the way a hoe to her pimp. I'm tough to grasp and yet you find me irrestible.
GET OVER YOURSELF! I will not fiend, call you back, call or show up to one of your millions of jobs. So be gone. How convenient you were I honestly didnt want to have to see the sight of youuu.. Hurt to think of you, missing you sometimes to many, and yet i cant stand shit you say to me on the phone. Wanting to break up, wanting you in me, wanting you. Convenient.
Convenient you were when i didnt feel well, when those "major cramps" were kicking in. Espicially when you bought me my teen-MIDOL. Cooking me lunch while i laid up in your bed, because i was your queen. not understanding what came along with holding that title, embracing it as i walked down the streets, in your hood and my own. Watching out for you AND me caring for both of us...confusing the 3, of you.
GET OVER YOURSELF! I will not fiend, call you back, call or show up to one of your millions of jobs. So be gone. How convenient you were I honestly didnt want to have to see the sight of youuu.. Hurt to think of you, missing you sometimes to many, and yet i cant stand shit you say to me on the phone. Wanting to break up, wanting you in me, wanting you. Convenient.
Convenient you were when i didnt feel well, when those "major cramps" were kicking in. Espicially when you bought me my teen-MIDOL. Cooking me lunch while i laid up in your bed, because i was your queen. not understanding what came along with holding that title, embracing it as i walked down the streets, in your hood and my own. Watching out for you AND me caring for both of us...confusing the 3, of you.
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