cigarettes replace a meal.

and it's all summed up with a ki$$.
one last moment of bliss, but the silence is
deafening my ears mistook them for drums.
i'll keep it at a distance here it comes.


or maybe as you look the other way i'll devise
a plan that makes you stay. i know places we can go--
we'll have the most fun and everyone will know. come
 unfold as i assist with your soul... tell you if
you're living or just holding on so no need for
alarm. this is my lonely lovers charm.

bass drum

giving up, and letting the time go. i love her, however he said it so please surrender your lovely words. speech trapped in your mind and acting out the verbs. they told me love has potential to be a noun and a verb... granted, they did eat a lb. of shrooms, and wasn't sure if anyone heard.


words. 


words have been easily twisted, i love her again wishing telepathy still existed. giving you pieces of me through ink and technology have me going ballistic. i hope you find that letter i left in your old house. sitting here without a spouse, living in doubt with secrets about broken hearts and poisoned darts i used from a distance on my fellah. and i couldn't help acting as your rain and umbrella. beating hearts bright as candela, it feels so good next to silent cries. i dream of times when you were mine...tonight.

she won't stop

this pain -- it hurts so badly. i'm trying to supress the tears, and even though my attempts fail.... my throat also hurts. i won't cry again. not over you. you hurt me so much & something won't allow me to give- you- up. you need to learn how to channel your anger... you need not stress the little things in our life. i feel like you hate everything i do, but you need to adjust, and i can't rather i won't completely lose myelf for you. you're not even trying and i hate that. i hate feeling like everything is my fault and i need help. i'm loving you and you're loving me and we're simultaneously hating each other, it's bullshit. i think, i'm never positive when it comes to these things, you've poisioned me. your love, or whatever is was to you, has poisioned me. your love has poisioned me and your embrace is the only cure. without either you have left my spirit here to die. i know you haven't realised yet, but i'm scared. i'm scared of how i feel when i'm with you and away from you. i'm scared of fully loving you. so i lie to myself. i tell my self little things about you to comfort me. i tell you i can't make it sometimes because subconciously i yern for you but i just can't control everything so i "can't make it". your Goddess can't make it. she'll never show... it's raining now; ironic because i'm also crying. my words are crying and you're not here. i hurt so badly.


:)

the stars are alive

this is a letter to the men i've loved. it's not in proper letter format, i know. but this is for you. as a fast lover, i never wanted to love fast. never thought i'd be the one to anyway. you came to me, wounded and half filled, with promises you only kept half the time. goodbye. we possibly met through mutual friends, the internet, off the street, in a club/lounge/bar, on a train, in front of my school, on my campus, je ne sais pas. but you left a massive indellible mark in my life some how. most of you have weak minds. you found a girl like me who opened you up, completely for the most part, and i made you less vunerable to others. most of you hate me now. i don't completely understand why but its probably for some petty shit. for some of you, i wish i never met you. i wish i never crossed your path. because for some of you, there's only one of me [get it?] and you are not healthy for me. this is the last time i will ever see you again. i am trying to leave my past behind, i've never tried that but if you do it the right way i was told it can be gone forever. tetrahydrocannabinol, or however you spell it, has been my friend for some time now. it has filled the voids of you and therefore left me empty at times, or stuck, or even in the clouds. i've floated since you've left-- you always leave. i can't even remember a time where it was my decision to leave. i tend to do that though, i sometimes start petty situations to make you want to leave. sometimes i had the few who didn't want to leave at all, the few to thought they can stand my wrath/my breaking out or through the cages you've put me in. but i live. i need to live so i don't disappeear inside. i know thats what you wanted, you want me to disappear even a little so that i'll be easier to tame. aside from that we've probably fucked so you also love the way my vagina feels. there were times when you've tried and succeeded to verbally abuse me. you'd say "fuck you" and shit like "i'm a whore" or some other bullshit and i'd stay quiet.. because me yelling back at you won't solve anything and i realized that even before you thought you had the upperhand. you see, you fucking forgot i have a brother and he talks shit all the time. he even schooled me on allllll the shit yall niggas do so i'm definately not new to the bullshit your pushin. i'm content though. there's nothing else i can be. i know of your sleeplessness and your stress; it's all bull. because half of you created all the issues we've ever had. yall know i don't stress anything except for the obvious breakup reasons [i.e cheating] but to you it's everything i do or don't do. i had someone like you already, so i know how to deal; i know how to play passive and meet your needs... or wants for the most part. half of you never let go of your mothers tit; you still have hers and now you have mine so you feel like you need to be comfoted by both but I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. i used to love you. i did. and when i love, i love hard boy, you know it. but i began to fall, and they say what? "you fall even harder" and when you mess with someone like me you fall hard, and you miss me 100x more, and you call 20x more but i just save your name as IGNORE yes in caps, and i do just that 20x more. look, tonight i want you to look out your window and look for 3 stars and name all of them after me.

sincerely, the nicest: Isis.

(s)he lives in my head

like a desert needs water, i need you alot. i had him. i had him where i needed him to be. he didnt know to much and he didnt know to little. i love him. i swear to God i do. act of desperation... i need cleansing -- ive decided to limit my usage on social networks. i'm changing my diet to more water based foods (veggies + fruits), more water, more protein, and less carbohydrates. ill start using my camera more. i didnt know this is what it felt like. almost always my fault--ALWAYS my fault. you have to much power over me. its slightly scary. he doesnt believe me and it pains me. ill say one thing and you have to attack it. but i forgive you like i want you to forgive me. i have too much love for you. i know you dont believe me, i wouldnt believe me. i use the word i alot. you asked me one night what i wanted from you, i told you love and everything that comes with it. the heartache, strife, breakup, make up sex, arguments, and distance. i have way to many flaws to count on your fingers and toes. this is why i need you to understand me -- you said youd try. you said that. im so fucked up and i know that. i know how shitty of a person i can be. im becoming less of who i thought i was by the day and i think this is good for me. i want you. i told you i want you. i want to be the person you wake up to, the person you go to sleep with at night, i want to love you each and every night and all through the day, i want you to keep me safe, i need security and i believe you can provide this, i want alot i know. hahaa cliche: you dont know what you got till its gone. unpredictable you are. i have no regrets though, because at the time i know thats what i wanted, i know. why i landed on this planet is beyond me. i think it was to find you... im going to need to talk to you, when i get my shit together youd better be ready for me.

i'll live forever if i could, but not like this.

try a little tenderness.

It's been a long time since I've last thought about you, "that way". You tell me sweet nothings and shit like you miss me or the worst of the bunch, i love you. Knowing good and damn well love don't got shit to do with the situation at hand. My trampled heart. Now, I'm strong in all that I do and say, so don't expect me to get all soft and less ignorant in person because of this blogger shit but you've messed up the next guy's chances at my heart. The future for me is full of deceit and I'm tired. I know I'm not the best host at times, and everything doesn't add up the way I've told it, but I'm able. I'm willing to please and thats what I expect back-- pleasure is my only calling because thats all I've known. Jaded since the day I've opened my eyes, I've embraced nothing more than you're large arms. Young girls... we get weary and love is our own happiness.



-- for He who shall not be named.

possessive,

you are.

Caught up in what you deem necessary and true.
Your living a lie love and your grip is killing me. Trying to push away, such benevolence it would be, but I'm not able to allow my self that much freedom. I am so used to your clutch that I'm conforming conforming, conforming to what you'd consider an ideal woman for every man. To tired to change, to tired to protest, to tired. I will be giving you up soon. Your attitude strikes me and with every lash I weaken, commiting suicide to my motives and thoughts... motives and thoughts our motives and thoughts are now shared; what i breathe you breathe, my pain is your pain, and my word is yours. It's almost annoying how much alike we've become. My weakness, our weakness.
Becomming much to accustomed to sleepless nights, your clutch once again murders a part of me. Selfworth going-- slowly fading. Not budging no protest, you get your way I'm searching for mine. Possessive means
jealously opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one's own upon, a spouse. You my love will forever be that. Life progresses, you don't your shit is the same as this and that niggas', I know of all the scheming I and the last girl has done but honestly you cannot tame me. Roaring with the real Goddess Isis in my blood I will rule at everything I do. I am a freedom loving, blindly optimistic, sincere, tactless, generous, impatient, cocky Sagittarius. Get over it.

NO! I will not ... and I'm DEAD ASS

WIIILLLL NOT EVVERRRRR MEET YOUR STANDARDS.

I'm sorry.





Author did not intend anyone to feel a connection to whom she was writing about.

It's over

I've got a life to start living. I don't want you apart of it. Finally, I feel free man. I have my job, I have my techonology, I live in the BESTTTest city EVERRR! I have responsibilities, this small sense of freedom is better than anything.

I do not want to be held down. At the bottom of your pocket, like small change and you just happen to use me when you need to spend exactly $3.24¢. I want and have many options. I'm not trying to get married to my "high school" sweet heart. I want to marry my College love. I have soooo much I didn't have a chance to do when i was younger. I have so many spree's to go on, so many sex-capades. I don't want to grow up to fast, just a lil' sex here and there would be fine, but do not hold me down. It's over.

I'm a Sagittarius, and we, of the Fire Signs, aren't one's to be fucked with. We settle, but not for long. We don't like something, we'll let you know. Now my birthday's on November 22, which makes me the last day for the Scorpio or the first day for the Sagittarius, depending on the moon. I'm on the cust, the border. I need my space, I need someone to be free with me.

But like, in the end I'm mad at myself and not you. I'm mad for always accepting your lack of working ethics, and responsibility. I made you my .. life? and allowed you to depend on me. I didn't want to get to attatched, I thought about you way to much, I think i even dreamed about you, when I could remember them. The person that isn't supposed to let you down, probably will yo, and it hurts the most. OVER.



[this blog was edited august 2]



I just want someone who can make me smile by just standing next to me...