psyche is telling me i need these nikes

a letter to my son...

im sorry that your never at ease
sleepless nights, turning and tossing
always on my terms you can never grow
the potential you have is crazy
but i will always hold you back,
afraid of what you can accomplish
i won't allow you to prosper...

hungy--
you're one of those slick talkers, even if you can't talk
your hunger and passion is illuminating
you see even farther that i do
your light is mine, and that time you cried
and i held you, because noone esle could--
the other donor left before you can say your first
sentence: 'i'm hungry, mom.'
so i was left holding you...

son, i believe you cry because i can't provide
single mother living in extremely well conditions
with the most amazing 3 year old-- you
my son, Adonis
you glow in every aspect, you're only 3 but you see real
your light is mine, and with every blow i give you
not wanting you to prosper, you work around that
and live up to your name.

we think of people to give the weight of the world to
i chose you... you aren't my burden but i will make you it
too weak to anty up and take initiative, you'll become
my tainted harbor. apologies won't even cover that hole
in your heart, knowledge beyond my years-- you're are only
3 and you look at me with eyes filled with broken promises
empty dreams and aspirations, shit i said that were only
true half the time.

so i guess my sorry wasn't good enough...
that last poem i made you and asked you to comment on
didn't meet your priorities..

crystal light

sometimes the things he provided weren't good enough.
i'd sit and long for more. maybe all of my longing payed off
when you came. stumbled along into my broken life.
i say it's broklen because nothing is ever constant; the men in
my life, the clothes, thoughts, and aspirations-- constantly
conflicting, constant chaos.

you make me want you without trying.
still i sit, paitiently this time. you'd walk towards me because
you remember how hard it is for me to get up when you are
concenred. legs shaking, arms feeling heavy, nerves losing
control. on my last L so I'm gone...

"i thought i had you all figured out" you said as you pulled
i said you are the constillation that guides me home,
the star that lights my path. you passed..

I usually don't post a title until after I write the blog, but this one isn't recieving a title at all. Espicially after this one because yess once again the topic on REANNE MITCHELL as come up. Me and Natasha was speaking, and shes like why don't yall talk. I told her why. Explained to her why shes a smut, why shes fake (including the false hair/eyebrows/nails/personality), explained to her why i don't associate with them because once you do it to someone else you'd do it again. She tried explaining to me how people change. NO THE FUCK PEOPLE DON'T. It is NOT in human nature to change. We will not change, our lives and morals (if any). Our way of life is based on instinct. I'll write about that in another blog.

Natasha said she tries to exclude her bad sides and look at ONLY the good. Who would want to be so blind and ONLY looking at what you'd believe to be GODSENT. Shit pisses me the fuck off yo. Yess I do want everyone to place her bitchass on a fuckin island and excommunicate that bitch. Never would I expect anyone to be sooo triflin yo. As nice and as loving as I am, ME?? You'd want to hurt me.

At this point,I'm not even hurt.. just limit my communication with people. Stare people in the face and call things like I see things. It's came to the point where I don't want my friends and associates talking to her. Like if i heard some shit like that that one of my friends did, espicially if its a nigga I'd cut them off. Because if shit was easily done to one of her cronies [me] then she can be just as triflin' to you. I don't understand why thats so hard to see. Well.. shes a bitch and everyone that talks to her is a smut, and I will never forgive her or my ex for that matter. YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME IF WAS SEMI NAKED FUCKING PHOTOS! or somethin. I should trip her every time I see her, thats mad childish yall are whispering I know I know but it's gotten to that point.


see ya soon Bitch.

hampsters...

I've finally decided to take photos of them since they seem to get lost for days at a time and noone has seen them yet.

BIGGIE = GIRL
STORM = BOY








They ran away for days at a time, possibly 2 weeks in total. I do take care of them... I'm a good mommie. They fight, I dont know if they've had sex, is so then I will recieve abour 8 babies 3 weeks later.... yeaa i kno EIGHT?!!! But they are a hand ful. I got them spontaneously, I walked past a pet store, turned back in looked at everything, then 2 days later, that friday I bought them, I didn't know what I was getting myself in to.

They fit in my pocket. STORM! is a pussy, and Biggie is the ring fuckin leader. Dumb trick shes always escaping. I gotta code red like every hour. Shes a mess. But; I really want to take them for a walk. .. =\

for the record; my heart is sore

This year I am on a mission. I want more. Wanting more has lead alot of rejections. I apologize if you dont reach my standards. My mission is.. none of your business but I'd like to complete it before the end of the world approaches. I have to meet this dead line and it gets harder every month. I don't purposely reject you, it's just I know I'm worth so much more. Yes yes.. you can shower me with your lavish gifts and what not but you are not (dare I say) my type, as if i REALLY have one...

If you live in NYC you know the "map seats" are the WORST. I'm riding the local C train from 135th (harlem) to Utica Ave. (Bed-Stuy), because I like to take those, train please rock me into a deep sleep but wake me up before my stop, naps so dont sue me for not hoping off on 125th to take the A express. Anyway, I'm sitting in a map seat. Now the map seats are regular seats, but a minature map poster is replacing the college/museums/party ads. which they MTA employees place so inconsiderably behind your head. I'm facing the fact that NYC has a stupid amount of tourists... I understand tourists don't know they're way around, GRANTED but don't be so fuckin rude about geting around the city. Do NOTT not say "excuse me", I only want to be acknowledge. I know you don't have anywhere to go, because you are TOURING you need to get lost to find your way back... thats NY boo get with it. So these orientals, about 7 of them are hovering over me when i wake up. one has a map in his had and has it opened the other 6 are trying to find whatever route. I knowww I was asleep and they possibly was intimidated because I was black and didn't want to say pardon but don't allow me to wake up and STILL NOT say excuse me. So I'm waving my arms, in protest of course, and I'm like "WTFFF.... GETTHEFUCKOUTTAMYFACE!" yea yeaa mad hood. Then they got off at like Canal St. or some shit , which was the next stop, since the train was in the tunnel. lol idk
i dont think it was they're stop.

but that pisses me off... HEADS UP: NEVERRRR SITT IN THE MAPP SEAT!

honest to blog!?

idk why I'm always sleepy and i eat alot.
i am not pregnant.

im becomming more and more absent minded.
... forgetting way more than i usually do.




anyone have any reasons as to whyy?!!!!

the drugs?... alcohol?...pain killers?!!
and i dont o d on them but i get alot of headaches.. so like i HAVE to take them.

right?..

ridding my heart of mortal fight

As I sip my tea, I think of times we had-- fun... lack of a better word. And I'm being really vague for a reason. You are the epitome of heartthrob, every time I see you, whenever I do see you causes me to think of, nothing. You clear my head and I love that. Like my Bayer asprins, you are my pain reliever. My quick escape. No-- in this blog I refuse to discuss the failed relationships, and the past "flows". Noo... I wont make things any harder anymore, not until next time that is.

This blog is about people. The phonies/wannabees, the ex's/currents, the "friends" and the "well i AM your friend... sometimes", and the I wanna be JUST LIKE YOUs. I admire you guys. You guys make it possible for me to flourish, and be MORE creative, to be MORE of an inspiration for you. Someone for you to idolize. I know I'm going in, but YESSS I do believe I pave the way for alot of my associates, friends, co-workers and ppl I see daily. I am not that different, I'm just a free spirited opptimist and I'd like to be acknowledged as such. I dont walk around SEARCHING for identities. I don't hop on a different train as soon as I think this is me. Because THIS-- IS-- ME. I am an advid blogger who desn't post all her blogs, forgets thing way to often, and I am electronic savvy. I know whats wrong and right, we have different morals, agreed, therefore what I deem necessary and true you might not. Things I hold dear to me are my family, and selective friends.

To my ex's whom I love so much. Yes I do love you. Yall are my rocks, my foundations because-- what I am now is what I wasn't then. You've definitely pushed me to flourish, to decrease my expectations and to not settle. I've noticed how you've always managed me to do things your way, how my way wasn't good enough or just never what you expected. I've become so weak feeding into your bullshit thats it's causing me to lost security. Becoming insecure, next to being like everyone else, is my second fear. I need to spread my wings, freedom is right outside but I refuse to escape. My insecurities keep me.. "home" where everything is safe and adventure is a lie, there is no hope here but there is always tomorrows and more tomorrows after that, that hold the same future and tell the same story. Getting no where with you i soon need to seek refuge, in a new "home" safe and far away from you so that being myself wont make you feel like you have to try hard. Pleasing you, pleasing you, pleasing you to keep you from wanting to change me. Changing me for the better, because this is what you + society wants, but you are society so there becomes the two of you eating away at my safe harbor-- my place of refuge.

to my friends... yall are dope yo. but like hop off my swaggggg.





- la vie est belle =D