don't pull me down on me

carbon in my steps, you remind me there's no sense of love in society. i've released you, to find the higher me. this is sort of a love story, however I've combined animal minds the Centaur here resides.

--end fragment here-- 

and honestly he bores me, so eye feed him fear. what the fuck is an age of the Aquarius? is this not a new year... i have the top one thousand cures, harvest them from my rear and besides, no one quite knew what to make of the moon's tears haahaaa i tried apologizing with much antipathy at my core. i'm soo hiiiigh, gots no sense of time anymore. living for your tomorrows, therefore nothing left to say. not for what our yesterdays have already taken away. sleep and be at peace just know that eye am here to stay, whether the dawns approaching people still looking the wrong way.
turn the lights on. 

now keep in mind that i'm an artist

...and i'm sensitive about my shit.

chipped glass chipped face chipped nails, fuck you fuck me fuck up. he left me again, but whats new? *laughs ecstatically* broken thoughts, heart trembles when i see you, and you know i saw you. loving you is just like air, honestly what did you think of me? tell me. lie to me. whatever. and i am laughing at you. i told you who i was, who i'm trying to be, but who am i? who are we? just like air you're never really there. you're just. like. air. you're alwaysssss there -- so, life isn't all i thought it was. life has been a dream since i've heard the nursery song, row row row your boat consider my life a movie because nothing else seems to fit the description. classic tale of a young girl who i've already mentioned. i've been through it. there are times in our lives when we must break routine. people think they're making they're own futures but its already been foreseen. i'm sad because noone wants a change, instead people are still looking for someone to blame. annoyed. tired. high. low. corrupt. religion. own. me. slavery. shit. fuck. shutthefuckup.

quarantine your dreams

i'm a story-teller. i believe in mistakes and i believe in rewriting your mistakes. i hate this feeling i get sometimes when my world crashes. it's like heaven and hell, or the little we know about it, colliding and fireworks everywhere. its a horrible feeling. like right now i feel like exploding--i feel like i can't control anything at all and for the most part my little ass can't, but i sure as hell try. i need to be alone, but i hate being alone. everyone needs someone and i'm young, i can't be with someone now. although i'd like to think i do. i need consistency, which i hate. my sun god told me i wasn't consistent... it's in my nature not to be. i'm an inconsistent little person and i love that. he keeps talking to me about control and how much i want to control him but it seems as if its him that is desperately trying to control me. my fiance keeps saying "whatever" and "bullshit" to me-- what the fuck does whatever have to do with the question i am asking you and what bullshit are you specifically refering to? because i need to know. he's so vague. i know i shouldnt get upset about this shit, but it seems to me atleast, that if they don't want you to themselves (the control) they dont want you at all. then we have the ones that want you, but only for their convience, and i'm all for it i don't mind fucking you and just fucking you. but they tend to get attatched, they begin to forget that thats what they wanted and by you fulfilling that they grow on you and want more, he wants a relationship. one thing i dont believe in is relationships. i dont believe in anythnig that needs a title, except for the ones i make-up. society gets hung up on titles, but i'm not society.

i want to live in a world where people aren't so restricted. i want to live in a world where theres unlimited possibilities. i believe in parallel universes. i believe vermon control the earth, and other worlds we don't know about yet. things are in desperate need of change. i love to travel, i havent left the country often but i know i will. i just need someone to travel with, someone safe and with a mind half as crazy as mine. i dream alot. not in my sleep so much, but i day dream a lot. i like to read alot of DuBois and i like chocolate tall men who like what i like. i love my friends even the new ones i've met. ollie and gabbers are my loves. they don't know i'm sad often because i'm their shoulders to lean on. if you scream loud enough i'm almost sure i'll hear it. i believe in ice cream making everything better.

i'm the envy of the women and i rule the men.

wake the fuck up. you know better than this. i know you do whatever you like, but how about trying to not like so many things. try hating even -- just begin to hate alot of things so that you won't be tempted -- don't let them consume you. i don't want them to get in your way. do whatever the fuck it is that makes you smile, and that can help you along. think about the time when people crowded your space, about that time when you felt inferior, about the times you've chopped your hair off, and about the times you've loved. you just want to live and not hurt anyone, or yourself. you would've dont the same thing for me too. i understand you more now than before. my life is a big dark room. a big. dark. room. no fucking lights or windows, and only one door. i won't follow the paths you've set up, or fall for the traps you've set up. i wont. i'm sorry you think i will. these herbs are rare. i set the shit and you always concur. always. time is wasting i'm sure. so, my favorite color is green, it used to be purple but i'm off that. i have a slight shoe addiction; ideal husband would buy my shoes every other week. theres little i like to do, and i won't waste this important time telling you what it is. change does not exist. college is what college does. no, i don't like all music. i'm very specific when it comes to tunes--neo soul and shit like that. i'm from brooklyn soo i guess my walk is mean? i've been feeling real bad lately, like unstable emotions bad. really weak, and i feel like a pig ate some of my limbs off slowly, spit that shit up then tried to mold it back =\. sick sometimes, almost as if it won't go away. i'm just trying to please.

this is how i look without makeup.

only one life to live. and baby girl you better live it

loveless bedroom filled with doom

i used to be happy. the world seems so very small.

please forgive me. i've been at my lowest point within the past week and i thought i had control... i used to control how i felt; mood changes now, i'm just unstable. it's as if i've lost my center. i remember being completely nonchalant towards everything. life, friends issues, my issues-i thought i had none, clothes. i always read though. so thats what i cared about. you're there and i'm here. i'm stressed. i guess the time is now. its better now than when i'm 38 and still wondering, hay-zeus knows i don't want that. i've been keep secrets from myself. still confused on how to get them out though but i'm trying. you know i'm trying. stuff i've forgotten is probably in there, things that made me smile are probably in there, my lost socks have to be in there, and ideas too. it's hard to create in this state im in. not to sire what i need to do. i'll do what metri said and focus. thats all i can do for now.

school has resumed

biology major.
career, forensic scientist/medicine.
more $$$ more problems.
love? shoes.
sex.
$

Transition.

I've become to accustomed to being in a relationship that once I'm out of it, I lose everything. I don't want to be codependent, because-- I'm not awae of am emotional disorder that I have. Although that would be a great reason for why I constantly feel the way I do.
In my home there are 3 dominating signs, the Gemini [mom], Aries [brother], and Sagittarius [me]. We all can't rule under one roof. Fights tend to break out, not as often as they should, but when they do its like a country exploding. So.. I've met someone. He has conquered, though I promised myself I wouldn't allow it. But things got boring on my end. He's not as tall as I would've liked, and his complextion isn't the dark shade I prefer, but we make it work. We haven't gone out anywhere yet, or ever, because I'll be leaving for school on monday. Out of New York... into reality. I almost don't care if he doesn't show me any emotion. I have enough to give.
These guys I was in a relationship in were not all losers, Broadway J. Baker. They balanced my fast lifestyle, my drive for better, my tantrums, my fire. Days when I'd isolate myself from everything were the days when I most needed everything. Ever feel that way? There were times when I couldn't dream of living without people, things. Thought what I wanted was something I needed. I should've heeded.

I have to love myself 1st. That shit is so cliche.


CLEARIFICATION:
When I say love myself, I don't hate myself. I just mean genuinely, like at my bad and goood times. But I do love myself, alot of people I know and my friends don't love themselves. They don't think themselves as beautiful because of what is being promoted everywhere. I love my people; we're the most diverse race. From our melanin to our hair texture. Noone can get naturally kinky hair, ANYONE can have straight hair, ANYONE can get their hair blown out and asian perms. Long hair is EASY to get, may not be real but it's easy to persuae people. Try getting a bootsy collins, angela davis afro..... you cant. Try tanning for 15 hours and PRAYING you look like me... you can't. I love myself, but not genuinely.

BITCH PAY HOMAGE!

I made AFRICAN BRAIDS come back. I made you want to do more than half the shit I'm doing. I don't care about half the world thats doing it, in our world you started it because of me. Unsure of yourself, you look for rescue in the arms of someone less worthy of your time. Someone as insecure as you-- you now have a follower. Following you to and fro, you guys have become the cloesets friends. I remeber the time you thought I'd told the whole world about something i'd just found out 2 minutes before the incident. Clueless and gullible are we. I have become less, but more prone to your games. Walking over me, I don't care much because I know what I want. I know what's in store for me in life, well at least I think I do. Atleast I know who to trust and who not to trust, who to let in my corner and who not to let in my corner. You see, I have become wiser- more expierenced. Expierence is the name everyone gives to their mistakes, and I make alot ALOTTT of those. Learn by me and prosper, my mother always said. But now I say that to you, because you are such a THIEF! Robbing the insecure, creating followers, becomming something you're not by placing yourself on this pedal stool. It's annoying how you expect me to follow you too... But you know me better than that. You know I can give two shits about whats going on in your life right now, but when you feel the need to confide in me I'm always around. At the end of the day when our kingdom fell apart you had your pawns I was one of them, when those pawns were caiught in the rapture and you got a new set of pawns I was one in that new set. I'm always around. BITCH PAY HOMAGE! Never getting the loyalty and respect I deserve I call you out. Here on this blogger. When you hate someone the hated never feel it, always the hater.--


There's so much shit everyone knows I've (and the other pawn) created, and you stole.
It amazes me how blind you are...

crystal light

sometimes the things he provided weren't good enough.
i'd sit and long for more. maybe all of my longing payed off
when you came. stumbled along into my broken life.
i say it's broklen because nothing is ever constant; the men in
my life, the clothes, thoughts, and aspirations-- constantly
conflicting, constant chaos.

you make me want you without trying.
still i sit, paitiently this time. you'd walk towards me because
you remember how hard it is for me to get up when you are
concenred. legs shaking, arms feeling heavy, nerves losing
control. on my last L so I'm gone...

"i thought i had you all figured out" you said as you pulled
i said you are the constillation that guides me home,
the star that lights my path. you passed..

I usually don't post a title until after I write the blog, but this one isn't recieving a title at all. Espicially after this one because yess once again the topic on REANNE MITCHELL as come up. Me and Natasha was speaking, and shes like why don't yall talk. I told her why. Explained to her why shes a smut, why shes fake (including the false hair/eyebrows/nails/personality), explained to her why i don't associate with them because once you do it to someone else you'd do it again. She tried explaining to me how people change. NO THE FUCK PEOPLE DON'T. It is NOT in human nature to change. We will not change, our lives and morals (if any). Our way of life is based on instinct. I'll write about that in another blog.

Natasha said she tries to exclude her bad sides and look at ONLY the good. Who would want to be so blind and ONLY looking at what you'd believe to be GODSENT. Shit pisses me the fuck off yo. Yess I do want everyone to place her bitchass on a fuckin island and excommunicate that bitch. Never would I expect anyone to be sooo triflin yo. As nice and as loving as I am, ME?? You'd want to hurt me.

At this point,I'm not even hurt.. just limit my communication with people. Stare people in the face and call things like I see things. It's came to the point where I don't want my friends and associates talking to her. Like if i heard some shit like that that one of my friends did, espicially if its a nigga I'd cut them off. Because if shit was easily done to one of her cronies [me] then she can be just as triflin' to you. I don't understand why thats so hard to see. Well.. shes a bitch and everyone that talks to her is a smut, and I will never forgive her or my ex for that matter. YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME IF WAS SEMI NAKED FUCKING PHOTOS! or somethin. I should trip her every time I see her, thats mad childish yall are whispering I know I know but it's gotten to that point.


see ya soon Bitch.