she won't stop

this pain -- it hurts so badly. i'm trying to supress the tears, and even though my attempts fail.... my throat also hurts. i won't cry again. not over you. you hurt me so much & something won't allow me to give- you- up. you need to learn how to channel your anger... you need not stress the little things in our life. i feel like you hate everything i do, but you need to adjust, and i can't rather i won't completely lose myelf for you. you're not even trying and i hate that. i hate feeling like everything is my fault and i need help. i'm loving you and you're loving me and we're simultaneously hating each other, it's bullshit. i think, i'm never positive when it comes to these things, you've poisioned me. your love, or whatever is was to you, has poisioned me. your love has poisioned me and your embrace is the only cure. without either you have left my spirit here to die. i know you haven't realised yet, but i'm scared. i'm scared of how i feel when i'm with you and away from you. i'm scared of fully loving you. so i lie to myself. i tell my self little things about you to comfort me. i tell you i can't make it sometimes because subconciously i yern for you but i just can't control everything so i "can't make it". your Goddess can't make it. she'll never show... it's raining now; ironic because i'm also crying. my words are crying and you're not here. i hurt so badly.


:)

by the time you read this

my flowers. if i have any. they need to know how much i've loved myself. i want them to understand that everything wont be given to them. i want them to know that they are marked for life because of their pigment. although they are not going to like this, the melanin does defines them. they need to know that their "best" is not good enough. they have to try one hundred times as hard; in constant need of exceling. thats their only choice. when they grow up they wont be able to enjoy life... they'll have to pave the way for their children. if their children aren't trustfund babies then their future is doomed as well. death is on the tip of her tongue my flowers will prosper. it seems like its all up to me to help them advance throughout life. not too sure on what the future is going to bring, but if its better and cheaper than now i wont be as hard as i'm thinking about being, on my flowers. its all about money and pale skin. they wont know that though... they're going to believe in equality, interracial dating, and that the world is not aganist them. they'll think their mom is crazy and they'll probably be right. i'll teach them, at a young age, who truly defines them.

loveless bedroom filled with doom

i used to be happy. the world seems so very small.

please forgive me. i've been at my lowest point within the past week and i thought i had control... i used to control how i felt; mood changes now, i'm just unstable. it's as if i've lost my center. i remember being completely nonchalant towards everything. life, friends issues, my issues-i thought i had none, clothes. i always read though. so thats what i cared about. you're there and i'm here. i'm stressed. i guess the time is now. its better now than when i'm 38 and still wondering, hay-zeus knows i don't want that. i've been keep secrets from myself. still confused on how to get them out though but i'm trying. you know i'm trying. stuff i've forgotten is probably in there, things that made me smile are probably in there, my lost socks have to be in there, and ideas too. it's hard to create in this state im in. not to sire what i need to do. i'll do what metri said and focus. thats all i can do for now.

space is king, or so i sing--

I left him again, for another weekend. =[
I dread leaving him, sleeping alone gets hard.

Hell welcomed me back with open arms. I doing too much at once and know I need to slow down, i don't. The fucking south-- i dont acknowledge time when I'm here. If I had to choose one thing about the south that I hate, it's the amount of phony people it harbors. People here love getting close to people from NY and Cali. The friendships aren't even gunine. This shit feels like I'm back in hs and I'm off that high school shit. I always embrace people. I've been told I was the type of girl who doesn't acknowledge shit until it hits the fan. im blinded because i always think i know. trapped.

honest to blog!?

idk why I'm always sleepy and i eat alot.
i am not pregnant.

im becomming more and more absent minded.
... forgetting way more than i usually do.




anyone have any reasons as to whyy?!!!!

the drugs?... alcohol?...pain killers?!!
and i dont o d on them but i get alot of headaches.. so like i HAVE to take them.

right?..