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i want this to be an expierence. this will feel like your first high; like you're soaring through the skies. but, a bit milder. today, i decided i was going to be a genius. i'm the meanest, and i mean this. tell me-- tell me what you thought when you first glanced my way. let my words subdue you, you you. i'm sorry i haven't been updating as often as you'd like me to. believe me, i have thought about it. i've just been livingggggggggg!!!XDsuck on that.
you knew this was coming. hahaaa, you knew.
i'm on exotic. i smell exotic. i'm exotic. hello.
hotep. things that have been bothering me lately, i've let them go. so now i'm worry free. i have new hair, it's a bit archaic. i was told i look like chaka khan now. i don't mean to look like her. i guess, like her, our presence demands attnetion. SIDEBAR: i want to try an exxperiment. but not yet. this girl stepped on my shoe earlier. that reminded me to check my phone, and talk to my sis janaye s. to tell her about my escape plan. before i go into depth about it, i want you to remember how distraught and tragic my life has been; in terms of love and otherwise. my escape plan consists of me, ashley a, and janaye s. we're to move to the mountains, in trinidad, along with 8 guys (of my choice) to breed for us. we'll each have 12 children, and create a village. now remember, i don't really care what you think but, i'm not feeling this capitalistic society i'm forced to live in. i don't want to speak this language any longer, this latin/english mix up we're forced to speak. i simply want to live. but it's virtually impossible. then, i looked up, and asked the girl who stepped on my shoe the time.
why? like why? why the fuck am i even given the time to make the amount of mistakes i've been making? who is in charge? who the fuck is giving me this time? just wasting it. this atrocity, my life. you don't get it. you won't, and i'm not asking you to. as my concious level increases i learn how to seperate you from you, to you and you. everything is easier now, in the sense that nothing was ever really hard to being with. life is much more. i know what i want now, i've always known but i just couldn't go about it the way i want. visions of you and i still.... you won't trust me. iwonttrustme. today is my day, as every day is. i don't even care if you don't acknowledge me anylonger. but you knew i was no goooood. i'm no gawd! i fuck uppp. i fuck up all the time, as everyone does. i cant give you joy any longer i know this. you go out to meet your chicks. i hate you. i hate i hate i hate i hate--i love i love i love i love i love i love, i really do know how to love. feels like i've been here before. it feels like your heaven between my legs, like your embrace wasn't good enough, like your thrusts were your last. i'll miss you though. late nights... early mornings... faitlful concubine/voodoo priest. :) i'm smiling because i wasn't able to tell the façades from the interior; and that is completely my fault. i know better, i've been trained to fish out the false fronts. but with you my gaurd was down entirely and vulnerability overpowered me. this pains me. i've been moving on slowly though... i've also been going back to you whenever you yerned for me, to see if i desired you half as much as i thought i did. and i have. but i crave you less now. rather, i dont crave you at all. at all.- jaded
i figure it like this, you either win or you die. those are my two extremes, no in betweens like AT ALL. what do i do to you when you gaze into my eyes? what happens to you when i lie? i've been keeping myself busy lately. i'm blaming my lack of discipline, and my knack for procrastinating. art art aren't you a biology major, studyyyyyyy. these eyes, these eyes need drying. and her heart needs mending.... literally. i am the infinite darkness, and i am most comfortable in your bed. naked. raw. you are growing so distant, and so are my thoughts. i wish you were aware, completely.
the only emotion i tend to readily display is anger, and i intend on keeping it that way." -my bitter cousin ilh<3>
try to write a love song. for me. and i'll tell you I DO. the only thing chicks want out of life is someone to protect her, believe me she like to feel secure. and the only thing dudes want is for his 'one that got away' to say I DO, and to apologize. or maybe not hahaa. i won't know. i live in a world full of fantasy, so please keep your reality away from me...
you used to do things to me. thin air, and i feel the tickle of the grass beneath my toes. then i always wonder why i left, and the things that i know are make believe. i made him believe. but your story's so old.. so old... so old stories are what i tell you now. they worked then, so why not now. why not now? i'm cleaning out my closet. what the fuck does that mean anyway, and what closet does everyone happen to always clean out? i try to sleep.this is me cleansing...
i drew them -- do you see my signature? Isis M.
i gotta let him go.... they say the blacker the berry, the deeper the roots. mmmm. hahaa, they don't lie. there were letters without a postage stamp. letters i needed to get rid of, but i had no stamp. there are never stamps when you need them, like people. people are rarely there, atleast the person you need, when you need them to be. my letter, fortunately, never needs stamps. my letters speak, they breathe, and someday when i look into your eyes, you'll be albe to read that letter. there was a sun shower today. i tried to write a song, about you. it's so hard to focus, and i need to master how you do it. once i do, i'll miss you half as much as you miss me. the better to see you with my dear. i wish to feel smaller in your hands, and under your sheets -- it doesn't matter who i am, or who i pretend to be. just smoke cigarettes and sleep... the morning after i realise i'm sick and tired of trying to be tough. you know? i'm going to stub my pinky toe, my heart is going to break, my soul may break, the right side of my brain will be erased of all the love that is stored there, i might forget you, but not these moments. the pitt gets deeper...
and who the fuck do i think i am? i'd raher be young, espicially during these times. i just hope my love is enough. "..and we'll travel, and i'll get you all the shoes you want" he says he says he says he says. i'm telling a story, of many. get-out-of-my-head. i just want to know what life would be like if i was a bit taller. about 5' 11". kill the cows, make burgers. kill the turkey, make a thanksgiving meal. kill me and make chipotle! ahoy mate!!!!!!
and just like that.... my soul was put through a paper shredder. i died.what was yours like?
thought i'd wait, but to late now i'm gone. he's the epitome of the man i'd die to marry. it appears that in almost every situation i'm the one who fucks shit up. i sit alone sometimes, think about the "what ifs" and "if i didn't do this would that happen.." no more vices though. i'm almost sure with the amount of resistance i have, i'll be pure again. amongst other things... like celibacy and sobriety. he's like 6'3" and hes a gorgeous shade of dark brown, and i think he likes white girls. its puzzles me, honestly. i've been shitty towards him. i don't wake up and intentionally go out to hurt people. i don't have enough time to make that happen, although i do wake up and hurting people seems to come naturally. not my intentions, though. we wouldve had some sexy ass kidsss, and they wouldve been geniuses, on both parts. i'm eclectic and hes preserved/shy. opposites, i suppose. but they attract stronger than people with similarities... they don't appear to last long. but i love this man. cliche cliche cliche the one that got away, so cliche.
Didn't know how long anything would last. We usually go into things, with high hopes and blind to the truth. Thats why we seek for strength when we're hurt. People crawl up under a belief and claim they're sanity. Am I, am I, am I here? I constantly wonder what's real and what isn't, and as far as I know whatever dimension I am in now doesn't seem suitable. I would say "I wish.." but I stopped wishing when my stars grew dim. Honestly, what are we doing here? Doesn't your world seem to be falling apart at the seams? I know you've noticed strange things happening as well. The quickest things that has been in and out my life is love. lol or whatever it is. I never expect my actions to have consequences. Although I know they're capable of having some, I just never thought....*sigh* it feels like my will is weakened, lack of ambition after every pull. I haven't felt this way in years. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted and I can FINALLY breathe. FINALLY. I am free and I smile ten times more than everr before because I know now that whatever decision I make from this point on will either help me grow or destroy me. I've always known who to love, and who will guide me, but there is another thing I also always do as well, and that is what I want. It will take a long time for you to understand that I am the way I am because of my mind. I'm a walking tragedy and things don't get any better. Alot of the content inside of me, is crap and rainbow sprinkles but I am learning to be okay with that. Once I completely learn to be happy with myself, I will embrace all that I am and you will either turn your head from shame or love me. My secret , is that I'm full of secrets. I've been considering telling my parents everything I've done since 12 and being released from this tension I think i have. But it's more profound than that. I write about myself alot, you'd think I know who I was by now. I know who I'm not. I know who you think I am, and I know who you think you are. I know about the facade you put up, all of it. Cut it out.... I love you, but I love me more right? There comes a time in a womans life where she has to make two crucial decisions. She either pursues her career goal (not what she wants) or she does what she loves with the man she loves. Because you and I both know there is always a man involved. What does she do?
use your imagination.drained. i feel drained right now. almost weak, but not quite it feels like a steady high. hahaa, overstand me? i'm your favorite melody, you can't seem to get rid of me. i see you. you are reality. if theres ONE thing i know as good as my body, it's his body. ladies, ladiessssss stop being ladies. diante said he feels cold energy coming from me, that high night. my hands are usually cold--cold hands make a warm heart, my mom says. but cold energy, sadness/inadequacy, maybe i don't completely know. what kind of fuckery are you? i feel fine now though.. almost as if a huge weight has been lifted off of my body. like when you're swimming under water and everything is still, beauty. theres isn't a right or wrong, because ethics mean as much to me and they did to the person who created them, and still "break the rules." please save it. save whatever judgements you may try to pass on me, because i've stated the type of person i will forever be, a little earlier than expected. they say "college will be the best years of your life" and "college is where you find yourself." well i know grad students who STILL don't know who the fuck they are, and are constantly searching within their bedsheets with new women nightly, but i don't judge. i'm not calling anyone out, because there is no meaning to our actions. we act on impulse, thats all i know.
please, you can't cut me with your words any longer. or shoot me with anymore lies. i promise you, i am not the person you imagine me to be. or maybe i've dreamt up this other you and thats who i want to see. i want to tell you about life and its deceit, but i can't. i used to love hard. i did. but it hurts now. knowing as much as i know hurts. it's so hard to tell reality from anything fictitious anymore. i swear you will have trouble sleeping. my days are going by entirely to fast and weight is the least of my worries. balance, you understand? i need balance please.what means the world to you?
