(s)he lives in my head

like a desert needs water, i need you alot. i had him. i had him where i needed him to be. he didnt know to much and he didnt know to little. i love him. i swear to God i do. act of desperation... i need cleansing -- ive decided to limit my usage on social networks. i'm changing my diet to more water based foods (veggies + fruits), more water, more protein, and less carbohydrates. ill start using my camera more. i didnt know this is what it felt like. almost always my fault--ALWAYS my fault. you have to much power over me. its slightly scary. he doesnt believe me and it pains me. ill say one thing and you have to attack it. but i forgive you like i want you to forgive me. i have too much love for you. i know you dont believe me, i wouldnt believe me. i use the word i alot. you asked me one night what i wanted from you, i told you love and everything that comes with it. the heartache, strife, breakup, make up sex, arguments, and distance. i have way to many flaws to count on your fingers and toes. this is why i need you to understand me -- you said youd try. you said that. im so fucked up and i know that. i know how shitty of a person i can be. im becoming less of who i thought i was by the day and i think this is good for me. i want you. i told you i want you. i want to be the person you wake up to, the person you go to sleep with at night, i want to love you each and every night and all through the day, i want you to keep me safe, i need security and i believe you can provide this, i want alot i know. hahaa cliche: you dont know what you got till its gone. unpredictable you are. i have no regrets though, because at the time i know thats what i wanted, i know. why i landed on this planet is beyond me. i think it was to find you... im going to need to talk to you, when i get my shit together youd better be ready for me.

i'll live forever if i could, but not like this.

i'm the envy of the women and i rule the men.

wake the fuck up. you know better than this. i know you do whatever you like, but how about trying to not like so many things. try hating even -- just begin to hate alot of things so that you won't be tempted -- don't let them consume you. i don't want them to get in your way. do whatever the fuck it is that makes you smile, and that can help you along. think about the time when people crowded your space, about that time when you felt inferior, about the times you've chopped your hair off, and about the times you've loved. you just want to live and not hurt anyone, or yourself. you would've dont the same thing for me too. i understand you more now than before. my life is a big dark room. a big. dark. room. no fucking lights or windows, and only one door. i won't follow the paths you've set up, or fall for the traps you've set up. i wont. i'm sorry you think i will. these herbs are rare. i set the shit and you always concur. always. time is wasting i'm sure. so, my favorite color is green, it used to be purple but i'm off that. i have a slight shoe addiction; ideal husband would buy my shoes every other week. theres little i like to do, and i won't waste this important time telling you what it is. change does not exist. college is what college does. no, i don't like all music. i'm very specific when it comes to tunes--neo soul and shit like that. i'm from brooklyn soo i guess my walk is mean? i've been feeling real bad lately, like unstable emotions bad. really weak, and i feel like a pig ate some of my limbs off slowly, spit that shit up then tried to mold it back =\. sick sometimes, almost as if it won't go away. i'm just trying to please.

this is how i look without makeup.

only one life to live. and baby girl you better live it

by the time you read this

my flowers. if i have any. they need to know how much i've loved myself. i want them to understand that everything wont be given to them. i want them to know that they are marked for life because of their pigment. although they are not going to like this, the melanin does defines them. they need to know that their "best" is not good enough. they have to try one hundred times as hard; in constant need of exceling. thats their only choice. when they grow up they wont be able to enjoy life... they'll have to pave the way for their children. if their children aren't trustfund babies then their future is doomed as well. death is on the tip of her tongue my flowers will prosper. it seems like its all up to me to help them advance throughout life. not too sure on what the future is going to bring, but if its better and cheaper than now i wont be as hard as i'm thinking about being, on my flowers. its all about money and pale skin. they wont know that though... they're going to believe in equality, interracial dating, and that the world is not aganist them. they'll think their mom is crazy and they'll probably be right. i'll teach them, at a young age, who truly defines them.

loveless bedroom filled with doom

i used to be happy. the world seems so very small.

please forgive me. i've been at my lowest point within the past week and i thought i had control... i used to control how i felt; mood changes now, i'm just unstable. it's as if i've lost my center. i remember being completely nonchalant towards everything. life, friends issues, my issues-i thought i had none, clothes. i always read though. so thats what i cared about. you're there and i'm here. i'm stressed. i guess the time is now. its better now than when i'm 38 and still wondering, hay-zeus knows i don't want that. i've been keep secrets from myself. still confused on how to get them out though but i'm trying. you know i'm trying. stuff i've forgotten is probably in there, things that made me smile are probably in there, my lost socks have to be in there, and ideas too. it's hard to create in this state im in. not to sire what i need to do. i'll do what metri said and focus. thats all i can do for now.

why won't you live for me?

said you'd be there for me.


i've been waiting, and hating that you dont crave me like i you. i dont want to speak of marriage anymore. i dont want to talk of children and a family. i dont know exactly what i want, but i'm planning. & while i'm turning you in, you're decphering my feelings and it's making me sooo weary. you're occupying my thoughts, and i think of you more now than before. i want you close, and every night when we're apart make up scenarios; a fight we never had, sex we'd never expierence together, and restaurants we never ate in. you called me the other day and asked why i was upset with you, you must somehow feel me miles away because i've never left a clue stating that i was upset. he asked if i still wanted matrimony... i told him no-- high is always equated with euphoria. why wouldnt any one want to be where i'm always at.

i feel like i'm searching for something. i dont tihnk i'll even know what it is though. me and my close friend here (at this university) share thoughts while high. our intuition is always the same and we always have the same insight on certain people. we even convinced ourselves this chick was a demon, mass hysteria-- i know that if i make one more wrong move it can change the course my life is on for better/worse. then if i don't make a move, i'll always be here. i don't exactly want to be stuck here, i was to prosper but i dont want to work to get there. why should i? i didn't ask to be here... i swear to HAY-ZEUS i didn't. why is it that once we're out the womb we're instantly being prepared to die. i hate you. i hate this process. i hate having noone to tell me whats wrong with me. i hate the guys that stare and ridicule me, then hit me up on FB. i hate having to wait. i hate it.


all i've ever had was myself and thats what i'm left with in the end.

space is king, or so i sing--

I left him again, for another weekend. =[
I dread leaving him, sleeping alone gets hard.

Hell welcomed me back with open arms. I doing too much at once and know I need to slow down, i don't. The fucking south-- i dont acknowledge time when I'm here. If I had to choose one thing about the south that I hate, it's the amount of phony people it harbors. People here love getting close to people from NY and Cali. The friendships aren't even gunine. This shit feels like I'm back in hs and I'm off that high school shit. I always embrace people. I've been told I was the type of girl who doesn't acknowledge shit until it hits the fan. im blinded because i always think i know. trapped.

a subway to venus...

Thought what I wanted was something I needed. When mama said "NO!" then I just should've heeded.

My soul is weary. I guess I do have morals. -said you'd be there for me-I've found a way to resist temptation. I'm a sagittarius so it's a bit hard, it's extremely hard. let me love you--

INTOXICATING

He's like my personal brand of cocaine... I'll wait, i usually don't wait though, i need to learn to hold compulsure. my Sun God did say im very spotaneous-- Sun God; hes now ready for me yet =[... At any rate, i'm always the one to rush into situations -- we'll call it. and if you KNOW me, as i believe you do, then you know i never give people time. as soon as i'm single i feel like i need to belong to someone, as if i need someone to hold me at night, in need of someone to feel the void of you. i have that now. not temporarily... if you feel like i feel please let me know that its real? I just cant be with no oone else-- there has been times when i've wondered why i'm with you, noone's hurt me more than you. i used to live for you, i thought. so many chances, i just didnt understand why i KEPT LETTING YOU BACK INNNNNN. digressss........ soooo, he doesnt like onions and i happen to cook with onions. hes tall, and im extremely short, i sometimes watch him in his sleep, precious dark skin tone... sweetest thing i've known. "at long last love has arrived, and i thank God i'm alive" he makes me happy, he doesnt realize it yet, he will. i smile alot for no reason at all around him. if he saw me when i was crazy bitter then he'd notice the change. time is moving so fast down here, i miss nyc so much. im always anxious for the evenings, thats when we spend most of our time together. --where were YOU when i needed you?-- he's so far away sometimes, just so hard to read. his stares and size is what makes me yern during the day. our love is strong. im so soft man, like i never wanted to get like this again. got me blogging about this shit. **sigh** now that i found you stay. i come back home smelling like you, you're straight occuppying my thoughts. and most times i love to hard-- i'm not as open as i know i can be, but when we get there i'll love you. trust in me.

cant take my eyes off of you - lauryn hill; that totally describes me right now. =\

i know i need to edit this OD...but i wont

heartbreak, cigarettes and songs

i used to love him... but now i don't.

school has resumed

biology major.
career, forensic scientist/medicine.
more $$$ more problems.
love? shoes.
sex.
$

Transition.

I've become to accustomed to being in a relationship that once I'm out of it, I lose everything. I don't want to be codependent, because-- I'm not awae of am emotional disorder that I have. Although that would be a great reason for why I constantly feel the way I do.
In my home there are 3 dominating signs, the Gemini [mom], Aries [brother], and Sagittarius [me]. We all can't rule under one roof. Fights tend to break out, not as often as they should, but when they do its like a country exploding. So.. I've met someone. He has conquered, though I promised myself I wouldn't allow it. But things got boring on my end. He's not as tall as I would've liked, and his complextion isn't the dark shade I prefer, but we make it work. We haven't gone out anywhere yet, or ever, because I'll be leaving for school on monday. Out of New York... into reality. I almost don't care if he doesn't show me any emotion. I have enough to give.
These guys I was in a relationship in were not all losers, Broadway J. Baker. They balanced my fast lifestyle, my drive for better, my tantrums, my fire. Days when I'd isolate myself from everything were the days when I most needed everything. Ever feel that way? There were times when I couldn't dream of living without people, things. Thought what I wanted was something I needed. I should've heeded.

I have to love myself 1st. That shit is so cliche.


CLEARIFICATION:
When I say love myself, I don't hate myself. I just mean genuinely, like at my bad and goood times. But I do love myself, alot of people I know and my friends don't love themselves. They don't think themselves as beautiful because of what is being promoted everywhere. I love my people; we're the most diverse race. From our melanin to our hair texture. Noone can get naturally kinky hair, ANYONE can have straight hair, ANYONE can get their hair blown out and asian perms. Long hair is EASY to get, may not be real but it's easy to persuae people. Try getting a bootsy collins, angela davis afro..... you cant. Try tanning for 15 hours and PRAYING you look like me... you can't. I love myself, but not genuinely.