meditate

no need to feel caged anymore. i refuse to be trapped and i am fascinated by my core bit but i'm ready to explore, and of course, you still haven't got it. this me you have in that museum of other me's makes me wonder why is he constantly trying to stunt my growth so he's dead now i buried him two hundred feet under. tiny heart beats tell me he still breathes. heh, and at this point i'm rolling up my sleeves giving out change to spare the world to see. you knew it all girl, go here and then there, give them a little you know? just enough to go... dismiss their thoughts of that rough fight they had with their parents earlier. i'll forever be that bitch putting up every barrier bringing you one hit away from, anyway. i smiled all day today and had nothing but a cup of tea and some James. class was boring, so i left early and came except you learn from me fuck face, so i plugged up some EOTO and drowned in that pussies baCe. that minor obsession stays wet for you, it's in search of that slight brush of oral-muscular affection. these petty bull sessions we have make me strongest, i'll call you later and honestly i stopped being honest then you refused my call... try again you're high as hell saying i want it all. STOP WITH THE FUCKING SEMANTICS, I WILL END YOUR NIGHT WITH SILENT SCREAMS AND FOREVER STALK YOUR DREAMS, DESTROYING YOUR TYMPANIC. you didn't even hear me coming constantly checking your phone seeing 20 missed calls from IGNORE stops you from blushing. i try you again but i saw your friend who told me no pressure, he's gone. she sent him on all along it's me i'll forever be the silence putting up every barrier bringing you one hit away from, anyway. i smiled all day today and had nothing but a cup of tea and some James. class was boring, so i left early and came.

NEVER FORGET

by: her

There has never been another large historical event that has it’s decedents be told to ‘get over’ than the ancestors’ of the enslavement of millions of Africans transported across the Atlantic.

There has never been such any formal set of reparations for the 300+ centuries of enslavement of Africans, and needless to say, there obviously never will be one. (As more time passes, its getting easier to ‘explain’ why reparations simply ‘cannot be made’).

I ponder this question often. How exactly can that be done? How can you get over what is your identity in the US? Your heritage? Get over your lineage? Get over your ancestry? Get over your great grandparents legacy? Get over the fact that you cannot trace your family tree than a few generations?

Hey, any tips guys? You have yet to give out any.

I know many of you like to imagine that the transatlantic slave trade took place thousands of years ago. On some B.C. or some shit. I know its comforting if you compare it to the slaves of the Romans, Greeks or the Hebrews in Egypt [okay, I’m just entertaining the idea that the Biblical story of Exodus is real for a moment] because its ancient history. Too bad it isn’t. There were still former slaves around in the 1940s. (That’s during the time of World War II, by the way. I’m certain no one forgets that).

It seems as though anything that involves Black suffering should either be swept under the rug, or that we must ‘move on’ from it. We should never acknowledge it. Anniversaries should never be mentioned. Just move on and pretend it never happened.

Any time one attempts to bring up slavery in any kind of discussion we are immediately silenced or disregarded; our tragedies don’t matter, they are dismissed whether it be because it was too long ago [slavery was abolished 150 years ago, but the violence and discrimination along with Jim Crow did not end until the 1970s] or trivialized (deflecting direct responsibility by pointing out that the Africans were selling the slaves to the Europeans, as if that holds any relevance. If not that, but ‘Arabs had African slaves too!’ or ‘Blacks were not the only slaves. White people were slaves too!’ And if not, then of course than ‘well none of you guys are slaves!’)

There is no end to the excuses made. Every time I feel like I’ve heard it all, I learn a new one. There is absolutely no acceptance of wrongdoings. Its not my fault, leave me alone. Stop trying to make me feel “guilty”.

I’ve even read about some disapproving openings of slave museum because it might spark ‘anger’. Why is the history of African enslavement the only event that has ever been censored? I mean its not like this country wasn’t built upon slavery, the free labor of African Americans or anything. But the abundance of Holocaust (an event that did not even occur in the states) museums are okay.

America is such an immature young country. Nobody whines as much as the United States when it comes to facing their own past crimes. In Germany the Nazi flag and salute are banned. You will get arrested. The Confederate flag? Still flying in some places (by the way guys, in case you forgot, you lost).

The fact that the first public apology for slavery did not occur until the late 1990s says it all. This alone makes statements like ‘I’m tired of apologizing for slavery!’ and ‘I’m tired of being punished!’ from White Americans laughable bullshit. You’ve never had to apologize for anything. Not slavery, not Jim Crow, not Tulsa, not Rosewood (an event that was kept secret and not revealed to the public until the 1980s) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

For all the centuries worth of colonizing, raping, murdering, genocide, self hatred and torture they have done/brought upon other people of the earth, what is this constant ‘punishment’ you keep bringing up? Being made fun of as being bland in comedy stand ups?

What were the repercussions…not being able to freely do those racist things anymore? Not being able to ridicule, harass and/or humiliate black people as openly anymore?

I’d say you guys got off pretty fucking easy.

b r o o k l y n y c

tiny frame, big name.

we are light beings, roaming this county of kings. things have become extremely chaotic. can't you tell by the screams? no one smiles, no more looking to the skies. hell exists on earth and you can see it in my eyes. i guess you can say i'm the prototype, of some gargantuan disaster from your mind......

but, i want to smile again. and have the rain touch the base of my crown and then...forgive me.

home is where the love is, is where the love is, is the love is.... and eye feel so empty.

i have shit to do man. so many to screw; then nail and erase all the lies you drew. i can make you sweet, destroy the sour reconstruct and not give any fucks because i gave you power.

I MADE YOU BUCK WILD!!

nothing holier than cake

look at what you've created mom.

this disaster hard center, built so frail. waiting for weeks because you only respond through snail mail. fuck you!

my chest is filled with red lights, and moments of meekness.i can live through it.

cursing your names and saying you blew it. though it may seem facetious.

she loves titles, wanted me to call her GAWD like some fucking priestess.

when you returned, she made you wait. it was hard so you found some downers, a quick escape.

one day she'll tell you why. smile, then kiss you and answer all your questions with lies.

she is heartbreak, the truth, a liar, and filled with youth. so wise.

soggy cereal

eye'm living this life all wrong. eye thought i needed to get a degree to please my family. i can see now. open eyes. but how?

promiscuous Badu's

you afrocentric chicks are the worst. your status reflects how much people have invested in you and I can see you are tired. beating and bashing me is all you've been doing. my life is boiling inside you, brewing. it's so loud in here... can't you hear? these Badu's are all over, with their sexy dreads, afros, and my buffalo clover. i'm satisfied, and content which is not good enough. i hoped you would call back... i called your bluff. meditation's the way and queens always sing sing "your love is king." my deepest dearest love was executed, argument is invalid you are undisputed. silent heartbreak, it's not foreign. so sorry i kindof let you back in, my life was so BORIN. Disasters fade like black pigment to grey, besides…….who said love was perfect anyway.

numB

excuse me, my moments of weakness does not mean i want your comfort. it is reassurance for me. spending all my time amongst these animals has molded me into an entertainer. like an empty diner, filled with desperate love and chocolate worms i am just getting along. spending all my time alone.

she called me fascinating, in Italian. she's on the money and has to buy me a shiny medallion. sorry, i make you uneasy and a little tense but my rep is super sleeeeezy and i'm on the defense. ra hasn't shown in a couple of days. i'm starting a new journey searching for that gaze. life's nearly complete, but you're not interested in that. my failures are more interesting...as a matter of fact. they make a great story at least. i've been reading my shit from 2009, and i have not been consistent to say the least...thats expected. e v o l i v i n g is what some call it. thats not conscious crush then roll it. it's terrible to think of you as more than life, but so amazing when we overcame our strife. i'm silly, don't tell me i've made it. it's mean to live in this fantastical world you created. but i'm in it.

clear the way

seems like i'm here to stay. i'm laughing because i had no intentios on being here this long. my apartment is empty, and cold.

i got comfortable.

my issue is feeling as if nothing belongs to me. i begin with an explanation, others with a question. oh, and i can't make it. i'm sorry, i just can't make it. these explanations are always have filled with tequila and promises i keep half the time. daily evolution causes more seclusion. people are no longer in your equation, your math problem is incorrect and i am here creating the biggest effect. it just dawned on you how shitty things have been. how your lover is now a has been, and you see that. no one ever heard the screams. but it tries to tell you every night in your dreams. you've been warned. in and out of relationships and you're still after that thing you had. silence and meditation are what i yearn, but this comfortable state we've been trapped in makes that hard, and it burns. this lit flame needs more oxygen... amaretta makes her feel betta.

crown me queen.

it's like i'm the center, and all that relatively matters doesn't anymore. once you get like me, and i know you will, we will flyyyyy and be the galactic surfers we once were. people say many things to me. you wouldn't believe how open some people truly are, because in the end who REALLY gives a fuck about comments from these critics....? ( =_=) i'm searching (=_= ). shit i say doesn't surprise people either--their responses are short but in the end they listened. and thats all you really need, an open ear. the violinist in this song is killlllerrr http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ItundPwCPw&feature=autoplay&list=WL113B721102035136&index=3&playnext=1, btw. though, i miss those "where are you?" "i miss you" "i dont want anyone else to be your lover" calls/texts/emails. but it's like my brain is decaying. hahaa i can't even explain it. rah rahhh. finals.

check mate. ;)

can i talk my shit

your word is bond? thats what you told me. i'll be your pain. that dark room located in that desolent part of your brain. your last call making you speak with much emphasis. having to explore the genesis, to remind myself of that emptiness. i was told how i have all of the resources yet i am still weak. i know at this point i'm incomplete, which has me feeling lonely, anxious and so bleak. but i miss you, especially in my sheets. Clarke is, Clarke isn't. our realities are different, you cake major tell me whats real? this red machine NAKED makes my tongue tingle. and i stopped going to parties because i forgot how to mingle. sober anyway. head over heels? please go that way ----->[X] i told myself i shouldn't do this. now im in a position, making the worst decisions. having esoteri.c sight, my tea just isnt right. i put milk in-- it curdles. you leap, then fall and jump over hurdles that i put up. just grew too weak to take down, taking pulls of that loud and blowing out clouds. passing the time and i hope these thoughts are safe in our shrine. i remember you said you liked the old me better than this. prosime i didnt change. burning with desire for a kiss. you grew and priorities got rearranged. it aint hard to tell

I'll wait.

we are in love with these ideas that keep our sanity. in some way they make us whole, and our grasp on reality gets tighter. searching for you in all of them. i am searching for you in everyone. marinate. he's sturdy like a table and as stubborn as my latest addiction, he is whole. i grew worried just then because my resistance is weakening and the urge to roll up heightened, i know i shouldnt. guess what i do to pass time? drink water since it's oxygen for the brain, and read because it's gymnastics of the brain. i was told by you the other day how much i mean to you. i laughed it off, called your bluff, walked into a trap. i am stranded now. this nineteen seventy five birth of the cool is the thing keeping me alive. it snowed... and it will be snowing all week. I'll wait. for now anyway, for respect, for someone as woke as i.

the red pill

ha. i have some good news for people who love bad news. it's time :) and i say this with a smile because i want it to be understood how much you mean to me right now. i want it to be understood how much of a headache i get when trying to express shit that is virtually impossible to fit into words, god knows there aren't enough words, these expressions should be transferred. we are out of control. it is my main priori to introduce the life of ultimate plesaure, it is my plesaure. fuck all you thought you knew... children of the matrix i need you to close your eyes and open your penile gland. see without sight. i need you to see without sight. although i might sound grumpy and my plan is incomplete but would you rather the bleu pill? you niggerstock need reevaulating. turn off everything and lose your ego.

fuck this

sold my iphone

my "boyfriend" sent me a flip phone and ipod

i ordered mad books from amazon

i am extremely passive now

i've been doing nothing but reading

haven't watched television since october 2008 - when i started getting high

gonna break this laptop in half soon

i'm in buffalo.

eye'm a natural disaster.

eye love how everything we had only exists in our heads. shit no one ever reads, things only we've said. eye never considered monogamy as *insert something witty*. it's the worst when you have to re write the shit a hundred times before getting it right. before sending yes, before sending a long letter (to the one you loved), before making the situation larger than it ever was. for sometimes not caring, contrary to what anyone may say, when it's shitty to even care. though, it seems like it was my little joke. my major mistake. not to sure where this will take me and eye don't really care. the future past and present all exist simultaneously and it feels like eye'm still straining to see. it means this natural disaster that eye am must be carried out virtuously. leaving you was like leaving the best of me. like saying the only good you don't have to explain is good bye. and you did complain say it to my face look into my eyes. and even though this pains me it is best for our lives. solitude. at this point eye am screaming in a place eye now call home. im scared im scared im scared of alone. havent been by myself long enough always had someone there it shouldnt be bad eye'm really the only one cares. just longing to love myself just as much as i love you. eye have to find out how and you'd never know so just leave me alone. she is natural. everyone she encounters never completely grasps her mind captivates all she doesnt give a fuck doesnt know why shes so popular they give her shit she doesnt need take all she has but not her its tragic. she is disaster.

not me though lol

that was so clever eye could die.

i'll miss being affectionate with you. hahaa, she meant me. you are the chosen one, the invisible. fucking cellophane. these people see right through you and it makes them smile as i cringe. you are so relentless yet so shiftless then back again. rhinestones as your eyes connecting with electro chemical impulses in neurons a part of me dies. not sleeping with you makes me feel less alive. sleeping alone has become my new fad and these dreams arent helping at all *throws notepad* she slips me some goood gooood and says "take it. you said you wanted to forget your childhoood." the arsenic grew impatient, my DNAs so ancient, not sure if i should take it. nascent. rebirth? on this earth? whats my life really worth? paralytic dreams are made of these by which you call me a tease. this girl is going to miss you and i know your anxious stop pretending do some reading your brain needs mending. rich girl full of revenge she wasnt clever enough so her story ends.

i never had.

she's committed heinous crimes of the heart. bitch. she remembers only her childhood vividly, and she wants to share them with you. she wants to tell you how she feels out of place and is often misconceived. i spoke to her on many different affairs on how she feels bamboozled and abused; strange how her mind drifts and she is suddenly someone else, hating all that she (or who i thought she was) once loved. black and white, colored and melanin suppressant. "don't cry for me" she has often told me, "don't cry for me because i am not natural to your world. help me return". she speaks of this anachronistic world full of black grays and whites, chivalrous men, "queendoms", redemption, and she's absolutely no one but herself.

credo mutwa

piece of shit.

i've been through enough. i've had enough. being unable to verbalize my emotions, i am at a loss. like i've said times before, i attract alphas. we move the same our walks are synchronized we breathe in unison, but you and i somewhere down our many journeys failed to do so. you fell short somewhere. the only thing i came up with is your lack of melanin and my lack to adjust. my apologies. my apologies for being so easy to love. it is not hard for me to adapt. which i do so well. when i lay with someone my body fits every time. often when we leave my home together you fail to match my rhythm. you got me trippin, displaying public affection public anger. in public, you ignore me for shits and giggles you are more vigilant of your surroundings than the shit you've been doing to piss me off which builds up i might add. i can't stress any longer how much the minutia mistakes make a tremendous difference in how i view you. besides, while i was with you i have always said i am better alone or with an alpha. reasons i have tried so hard to over look the situation, was my love for you, the longevity (as you pointed out), and because you wanted to possess me when i had no interest in you. indeed mum was right about you playing with her daughter. i still can not fathom how you fail to see your faults. indeed i am an "asshole/bitch" (which is what you've called me, verbatim) but women are usually called such when they display some sort of control when they act as bosses and want what they want with no explanation. although, i am not praising myself, i want you to humble yourself. i want you to know, even though you believe otherwise, that i was never out to hurt you. there are times when i am silent in hopes you will somehow grasp why, but you don't. instead you make up shit "oh i know this face! isis is thinking...." i guess it's a hint for me to share, but i don't. my fault. you constantly ask me why people listen to me, why does anyone waste their time believing shit i say and i honestly have no answer. shit, i forget though i forget you enjoy the cute stuff you like pets i forget to not be as sensitive as most as i should. i am so small and fragile inside and you forget that too. i've been this way for as long as i can remember. while you sit there and try to figure it out try to understand how innocent my words are. there was never enough bliss, than when we kissed my words don't travel far and with every scar old and new i cant seem to understand why i am so pressed on going downstairs to you. he is a piece of me. now i see.

sticky situations

I don't have any friends at all

Cause I have nothin in common with y'all

So who's gonna catch me if I fall?

My back's always against the wall

i would like you to know, that i know. and who the fuck am i, right? cunt. i wonder how this story would be told, it has been heard so many times so many times. i wonder if i changed the characters, no. if i love him tell him twice, right? i had an apple and took true loves first bite bite bite but i'm sorry. so careless i am. so careless i was. i'm laughing at your curiosity you don't know who is he who is he he's here expressing. and he is hallow and what he says has more to do with how it is received. it's a wonderful experience i am alive the void i was trapped in it will no longer survive. life will never be perfect. trying harder to fit in, these scars were not worth it. la vie est bon but i always see. i am tearing it down living naturally. i cant strip my mind in front of you language is so vital i thought you knew. i apologize for not giving you enough attention i am too busy attending to myself and not to mention i didnt sign up to be your mother or have you father me. i am still alive the void i was trapped in was another mans ceiling ceiling ceiling had me feeling like a snow storm on a wednesday. suddenly, i'm okay. i now know what you do to me. i wonder why your sober thoughts wont greet me. i dont understand why you dont know what you want in life, why you dont make up your mind effectively, why you believe all that shit you read, why you let everything leak leak leak out of your pussy and onto his face while he is asleep sleep sleep. i realize that we too aren't the only ones making our own movies. i know like me you too feel watched. you feel a bit more secure with the idea that you have a conscious that you believe in god that you genuinely matter in someones life that you mattered at all and are not in a dream. i know like me you too want to know.

suicide has crossed my mind

no one will ever understand the pain and embarrassment. not being able to recollect my thoughts of that horrendous night is shameful. looking into my man eyes he was someone different he was looking past me. but you cant blame me everything concerns me. the insides of my thighs are killing me, i woke up swinging swinging swinging. so innocent that night was so innocent i was i don't care what matters to you you didnt care what you did to me. you disrespected me. everything was forced i even passed out swinging. i dont mean to bother you baby but right now right now right now how could this be whos gonna save me.

you were never ready for the lies

you're hair was short when we first met. the promise land, i was discovered. never knew how much i'd forget. besides, you're white and i'm colored. my mother warned me about staying true. so i wrote out a list of lies to tell you. one, you're feet are large and they really stink. two, i hate that your nipples are pink. three, you're favorite color's bleu. four, i rarely lie to you. five, i know all the shit you do. six, i'll never stay true. seven, i saw what you just did. O_o eight, i'd love to name my son madrid. nine and ten i'm about to shut my eyelids.

my words don't travel far.

i'm sorry. you should follow my lead, do exactly as i do. i won't say much, but i know your feelings for me grew. i have slight anxiety and it's dealt with tea and a song. it's our love i often write about, are we trying to make it lifelong? hmph, see i'm trying to rhyme and it's going all wrong-- how much i miss you, she said how much i miss you... passing you by a thousand times telling you a thousand lies. it's easy when there's nothing to lose, when eye had nothing to lose. i've been so tactless that i've forgotten to love. i've forgotten the minor things in all relationships weighs out the major things and i'd rather read your poem than suck your dick. so you see, the situation changes and our attitudes fluctuate. i have been placed under this spell of amnesia and with you back in my life, i am more blindly optimistic. Almost positively sure everything works out for the better used to ease my sorrows. the way your face lights up when you see me used to ease my sorrows. covering my body with over a hundred kisses used to ease my sorrows. weed used to ease my sorrows. hell, i bet if i called you back immediately after every time i hung up--- i shouldn't hang up. maybe i should be as docile as you want me to be. i think about it when you grow aggravated. i consider toning down, but i'd rather not. i will. I've lost the ego when i decided to give my all in this relationship. i decided he's more important than my pride and all of that bullshit because shit like that blinds you. it helps you forget. it loves when you forget. the ego is always in search for acceptance, it always needs to be fed. this is why we continuously ask for attention. although, during that moment in life when you're stumped about who you are and where you're going, as soon as all boundaries crumble you will be amidst chaos. due to the chaos, you are afraid of losing the ego. in order to break this cycle you must be daring, therefore the confusion period which caused the chaos will be short. if you live in fear, you will revert and hide behind your ego. i've been over this life so many times before, this life is a bore. i'm sorry, he says. he is an asshole. apologies should be kept away for when you kick me while you walk past me to get to the couch, or for when you make my tea too sweet. apologies are short excuses that i'd rather not have in my life. apologies should be locked away. apologies only work if there's head immediately after. when you apologize you have intentions on doing it again. if you didnt mean it you wouldnt have done it to begin with.