obscene obession to the "bling"

i gotta let him go.... they say the blacker the berry, the deeper the roots. mmmm. hahaa, they don't lie.
there were letters without a postage stamp. letters i needed to get rid of, but i had no stamp. there are never stamps when you need them, like people. people are rarely there, atleast the person you need, when you need them to be. my letter, fortunately, never needs stamps. my letters speak, they breathe, and someday when i look into your eyes, you'll be albe to read that letter. there was a sun shower today. i tried to write a song, about you. it's so hard to focus, and i need to master how you do it. once i do, i'll miss you half as much as you miss me. the better to see you with my dear. i wish to feel smaller in your hands, and under your sheets -- it doesn't matter who i am, or who i pretend to be. just smoke cigarettes and sleep... the morning after i realise i'm sick and tired of trying to be tough. you know? i'm going to stub my pinky toe, my heart is going to break, my soul may break, the right side of my brain will be erased of all the love that is stored there, i might forget you, but not these moments. the pitt gets deeper...
and who the fuck do i think i am? i'd raher be young, espicially during these times. i just hope my love is enough. "..and we'll travel, and i'll get you all the shoes you want" he says he says he says he says. i'm telling a story, of many. get-out-of-my-head. i just want to know what life would be like if i was a bit taller. about 5' 11". kill the cows, make burgers. kill the turkey, make a thanksgiving meal. kill me and make chipotle! ahoy mate!!!!!!


and just like that.... my soul was put through a paper shredder. i died.
what was yours like?

but, what if he's the one?

thought i'd wait, but to late now i'm gone.

he's the epitome of the man i'd die to marry. it appears that in almost every situation i'm the one who fucks shit up. i sit alone sometimes, think about the "what ifs" and "if i didn't do this would that happen.." no more vices though. i'm almost sure with the amount of resistance i have, i'll be pure again. amongst other things... like celibacy and sobriety. he's like 6'3" and hes a gorgeous shade of dark brown, and i think he likes white girls. its puzzles me, honestly. i've been shitty towards him. i don't wake up and intentionally go out to hurt people. i don't have enough time to make that happen, although i do wake up and hurting people seems to come naturally. not my intentions, though. we wouldve had some sexy ass kidsss, and they wouldve been geniuses, on both parts. i'm eclectic and hes preserved/shy. opposites, i suppose. but they attract stronger than people with similarities... they don't appear to last long. but i love this man. cliche cliche cliche the one that got away, so cliche.

love, i thought you had my back this time.

=\

black and ugly as ever

Didn't know how long anything would last. We usually go into things, with high hopes and blind to the truth. Thats why we seek for strength when we're hurt. People crawl up under a belief and claim they're sanity. Am I, am I, am I here? I constantly wonder what's real and what isn't, and as far as I know whatever dimension I am in now doesn't seem suitable. I would say "I wish.." but I stopped wishing when my stars grew dim. Honestly, what are we doing here? Doesn't your world seem to be falling apart at the seams? I know you've noticed strange things happening as well. The quickest things that has been in and out my life is love. lol or whatever it is.

I never expect my actions to have consequences. Although I know they're capable of having some, I just never thought....*sigh* it feels like my will is weakened, lack of ambition after every pull. I haven't felt this way in years. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted and I can FINALLY breathe. FINALLY. I am free and I smile ten times more than everr before because I know now that whatever decision I make from this point on will either help me grow or destroy me. I've always known who to love, and who will guide me, but there is another thing I also always do as well, and that is what I want. It will take a long time for you to understand that I am the way I am because of my mind. I'm a walking tragedy and things don't get any better. Alot of the content inside of me, is crap and rainbow sprinkles but I am learning to be okay with that. Once I completely learn to be happy with myself, I will embrace all that I am and you will either turn your head from shame or love me.

My secret , is that I'm full of secrets. I've been considering telling my parents everything I've done since 12 and being released from this tension I think i have. But it's more profound than that. I write about myself alot, you'd think I know who I was by now. I know who I'm not. I know who you think I am, and I know who you think you are. I know about the facade you put up, all of it. Cut it out.... I love you, but I love me more right? There comes a time in a womans life where she has to make two crucial decisions. She either pursues her career goal (not what she wants) or she does what she loves with the man she loves. Because you and I both know there is always a man involved. What does she do?

fourtwentyoneam

use your imagination.

drained. i feel drained right now. almost weak, but not quite it feels like a steady high. hahaa, overstand me? i'm your favorite melody, you can't seem to get rid of me. i see you. you are reality. if theres ONE thing i know as good as my body, it's his body. ladies, ladiessssss stop being ladies. diante said he feels cold energy coming from me, that high night. my hands are usually cold--cold hands make a warm heart, my mom says. but cold energy, sadness/inadequacy, maybe i don't completely know. what kind of fuckery are you? i feel fine now though.. almost as if a huge weight has been lifted off of my body. like when you're swimming under water and everything is still, beauty. theres isn't a right or wrong, because ethics mean as much to me and they did to the person who created them, and still "break the rules." please save it. save whatever judgements you may try to pass on me, because i've stated the type of person i will forever be, a little earlier than expected. they say "college will be the best years of your life" and "college is where you find yourself." well i know grad students who STILL don't know who the fuck they are, and are constantly searching within their bedsheets with new women nightly, but i don't judge. i'm not calling anyone out, because there is no meaning to our actions. we act on impulse, thats all i know.

.high ultimate the am I

please, you can't cut me with your words any longer. or shoot me with anymore lies. i promise you, i am not the person you imagine me to be. or maybe i've dreamt up this other you and thats who i want to see. i want to tell you about life and its deceit, but i can't. i used to love hard. i did. but it hurts now. knowing as much as i know hurts. it's so hard to tell reality from anything fictitious anymore. i swear you will have trouble sleeping. my days are going by entirely to fast and weight is the least of my worries. balance, you understand? i need balance please.

what means the world to you?

only lovers see

at some point, shit needs to change. he takes so much of my energy and i need to stop allowing this. i need to stop allowing people to control my emotions. lately i've been feeling strange, i've noticed how extremely nonchalant i've become even more so than the years before. as history repeats i cant help but question myself on my motives. my mind body and soul never work together properly, always in constant competition. who can get out first (soul), who will she listen to now (mind), my appearance falling apart (body). there is just tooo much of my energy being wasted on nothing of importance. the way i feel should only be manipulated by me and it saddens me knowing you have this much power over me. people become so reckless when they realise the amount of control they possess. this goes for everyone though. Almost like when we're children and we want pets, we want something to tame and train. theres something in us that drives us to become power hungry. most of my energy has been wasted on people who offer nothing, on people who have left no indellible marks on my life. i've been exchanging energies for almost a decade now and i'm tired. i can't believe i played myself like this.

you make it hard to breathe and i cant stand you. impossible to live with the thought of you. you're there or you're not, i dont know, but i always see you. remember? remember when i told you everything that used to be on my mind and you wouldnt say shit. you listened because responding could've lead to my demise or my birth. you watched the way you moved around me, because my animaliatic behavior would've allowed me to sense your fear, curiosity, deceit, and weariness. you were also careful of what you said to me. i told you i was fragile and when you're dealing with fragile people you have to remember, we break easily. we'll walk around with a sign on our head that says "not easliy broken" becase we want to see who will take care of us. we're tough because you're not. we know about you. the gentle creatures know about you. i come from a place where everything the common person thinks is a fairy tale almost always isn't. pigs do fly and humans too, in an act of desperation i get lost in my dreams... take me away. heartbreak, i'm so used to it. or is it the other way around? i break hearts? let me tell you something, he says, i want to sleep alone tonight. tonight. tonight. tonight.

now keep in mind that i'm an artist

...and i'm sensitive about my shit.

chipped glass chipped face chipped nails, fuck you fuck me fuck up. he left me again, but whats new? *laughs ecstatically* broken thoughts, heart trembles when i see you, and you know i saw you. loving you is just like air, honestly what did you think of me? tell me. lie to me. whatever. and i am laughing at you. i told you who i was, who i'm trying to be, but who am i? who are we? just like air you're never really there. you're just. like. air. you're alwaysssss there -- so, life isn't all i thought it was. life has been a dream since i've heard the nursery song, row row row your boat consider my life a movie because nothing else seems to fit the description. classic tale of a young girl who i've already mentioned. i've been through it. there are times in our lives when we must break routine. people think they're making they're own futures but its already been foreseen. i'm sad because noone wants a change, instead people are still looking for someone to blame. annoyed. tired. high. low. corrupt. religion. own. me. slavery. shit. fuck. shutthefuckup.

this is my theme park.

"Keep your head high sweety, they'd kill to see you fall."

We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art, Because we desparately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren't going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you're feeling. We want someone to explain the things we can't. We love everything tied up neatly, easy, simple and when we can't do that, it scares the hell out of us. To not know the next step, or where you're headed, kills. Being unsure isn't in our plans. It's those moments, the ones where you risk it and step unknowingly into the future that assures us life is larger than we'll ever know. Live it up, drink irresponsibly.

she won't stop

this pain -- it hurts so badly. i'm trying to supress the tears, and even though my attempts fail.... my throat also hurts. i won't cry again. not over you. you hurt me so much & something won't allow me to give- you- up. you need to learn how to channel your anger... you need not stress the little things in our life. i feel like you hate everything i do, but you need to adjust, and i can't rather i won't completely lose myelf for you. you're not even trying and i hate that. i hate feeling like everything is my fault and i need help. i'm loving you and you're loving me and we're simultaneously hating each other, it's bullshit. i think, i'm never positive when it comes to these things, you've poisioned me. your love, or whatever is was to you, has poisioned me. your love has poisioned me and your embrace is the only cure. without either you have left my spirit here to die. i know you haven't realised yet, but i'm scared. i'm scared of how i feel when i'm with you and away from you. i'm scared of fully loving you. so i lie to myself. i tell my self little things about you to comfort me. i tell you i can't make it sometimes because subconciously i yern for you but i just can't control everything so i "can't make it". your Goddess can't make it. she'll never show... it's raining now; ironic because i'm also crying. my words are crying and you're not here. i hurt so badly.


:)