(s)he lives in my head

like a desert needs water, i need you alot. i had him. i had him where i needed him to be. he didnt know to much and he didnt know to little. i love him. i swear to God i do. act of desperation... i need cleansing -- ive decided to limit my usage on social networks. i'm changing my diet to more water based foods (veggies + fruits), more water, more protein, and less carbohydrates. ill start using my camera more. i didnt know this is what it felt like. almost always my fault--ALWAYS my fault. you have to much power over me. its slightly scary. he doesnt believe me and it pains me. ill say one thing and you have to attack it. but i forgive you like i want you to forgive me. i have too much love for you. i know you dont believe me, i wouldnt believe me. i use the word i alot. you asked me one night what i wanted from you, i told you love and everything that comes with it. the heartache, strife, breakup, make up sex, arguments, and distance. i have way to many flaws to count on your fingers and toes. this is why i need you to understand me -- you said youd try. you said that. im so fucked up and i know that. i know how shitty of a person i can be. im becoming less of who i thought i was by the day and i think this is good for me. i want you. i told you i want you. i want to be the person you wake up to, the person you go to sleep with at night, i want to love you each and every night and all through the day, i want you to keep me safe, i need security and i believe you can provide this, i want alot i know. hahaa cliche: you dont know what you got till its gone. unpredictable you are. i have no regrets though, because at the time i know thats what i wanted, i know. why i landed on this planet is beyond me. i think it was to find you... im going to need to talk to you, when i get my shit together youd better be ready for me.

i'll live forever if i could, but not like this.

i'm the envy of the women and i rule the men.

wake the fuck up. you know better than this. i know you do whatever you like, but how about trying to not like so many things. try hating even -- just begin to hate alot of things so that you won't be tempted -- don't let them consume you. i don't want them to get in your way. do whatever the fuck it is that makes you smile, and that can help you along. think about the time when people crowded your space, about that time when you felt inferior, about the times you've chopped your hair off, and about the times you've loved. you just want to live and not hurt anyone, or yourself. you would've dont the same thing for me too. i understand you more now than before. my life is a big dark room. a big. dark. room. no fucking lights or windows, and only one door. i won't follow the paths you've set up, or fall for the traps you've set up. i wont. i'm sorry you think i will. these herbs are rare. i set the shit and you always concur. always. time is wasting i'm sure. so, my favorite color is green, it used to be purple but i'm off that. i have a slight shoe addiction; ideal husband would buy my shoes every other week. theres little i like to do, and i won't waste this important time telling you what it is. change does not exist. college is what college does. no, i don't like all music. i'm very specific when it comes to tunes--neo soul and shit like that. i'm from brooklyn soo i guess my walk is mean? i've been feeling real bad lately, like unstable emotions bad. really weak, and i feel like a pig ate some of my limbs off slowly, spit that shit up then tried to mold it back =\. sick sometimes, almost as if it won't go away. i'm just trying to please.

this is how i look without makeup.

only one life to live. and baby girl you better live it

by the time you read this

my flowers. if i have any. they need to know how much i've loved myself. i want them to understand that everything wont be given to them. i want them to know that they are marked for life because of their pigment. although they are not going to like this, the melanin does defines them. they need to know that their "best" is not good enough. they have to try one hundred times as hard; in constant need of exceling. thats their only choice. when they grow up they wont be able to enjoy life... they'll have to pave the way for their children. if their children aren't trustfund babies then their future is doomed as well. death is on the tip of her tongue my flowers will prosper. it seems like its all up to me to help them advance throughout life. not too sure on what the future is going to bring, but if its better and cheaper than now i wont be as hard as i'm thinking about being, on my flowers. its all about money and pale skin. they wont know that though... they're going to believe in equality, interracial dating, and that the world is not aganist them. they'll think their mom is crazy and they'll probably be right. i'll teach them, at a young age, who truly defines them.

loveless bedroom filled with doom

i used to be happy. the world seems so very small.

please forgive me. i've been at my lowest point within the past week and i thought i had control... i used to control how i felt; mood changes now, i'm just unstable. it's as if i've lost my center. i remember being completely nonchalant towards everything. life, friends issues, my issues-i thought i had none, clothes. i always read though. so thats what i cared about. you're there and i'm here. i'm stressed. i guess the time is now. its better now than when i'm 38 and still wondering, hay-zeus knows i don't want that. i've been keep secrets from myself. still confused on how to get them out though but i'm trying. you know i'm trying. stuff i've forgotten is probably in there, things that made me smile are probably in there, my lost socks have to be in there, and ideas too. it's hard to create in this state im in. not to sire what i need to do. i'll do what metri said and focus. thats all i can do for now.

why won't you live for me?

said you'd be there for me.


i've been waiting, and hating that you dont crave me like i you. i dont want to speak of marriage anymore. i dont want to talk of children and a family. i dont know exactly what i want, but i'm planning. & while i'm turning you in, you're decphering my feelings and it's making me sooo weary. you're occupying my thoughts, and i think of you more now than before. i want you close, and every night when we're apart make up scenarios; a fight we never had, sex we'd never expierence together, and restaurants we never ate in. you called me the other day and asked why i was upset with you, you must somehow feel me miles away because i've never left a clue stating that i was upset. he asked if i still wanted matrimony... i told him no-- high is always equated with euphoria. why wouldnt any one want to be where i'm always at.

i feel like i'm searching for something. i dont tihnk i'll even know what it is though. me and my close friend here (at this university) share thoughts while high. our intuition is always the same and we always have the same insight on certain people. we even convinced ourselves this chick was a demon, mass hysteria-- i know that if i make one more wrong move it can change the course my life is on for better/worse. then if i don't make a move, i'll always be here. i don't exactly want to be stuck here, i was to prosper but i dont want to work to get there. why should i? i didn't ask to be here... i swear to HAY-ZEUS i didn't. why is it that once we're out the womb we're instantly being prepared to die. i hate you. i hate this process. i hate having noone to tell me whats wrong with me. i hate the guys that stare and ridicule me, then hit me up on FB. i hate having to wait. i hate it.


all i've ever had was myself and thats what i'm left with in the end.

space is king, or so i sing--

I left him again, for another weekend. =[
I dread leaving him, sleeping alone gets hard.

Hell welcomed me back with open arms. I doing too much at once and know I need to slow down, i don't. The fucking south-- i dont acknowledge time when I'm here. If I had to choose one thing about the south that I hate, it's the amount of phony people it harbors. People here love getting close to people from NY and Cali. The friendships aren't even gunine. This shit feels like I'm back in hs and I'm off that high school shit. I always embrace people. I've been told I was the type of girl who doesn't acknowledge shit until it hits the fan. im blinded because i always think i know. trapped.