she won't stop

this pain -- it hurts so badly. i'm trying to supress the tears, and even though my attempts fail.... my throat also hurts. i won't cry again. not over you. you hurt me so much & something won't allow me to give- you- up. you need to learn how to channel your anger... you need not stress the little things in our life. i feel like you hate everything i do, but you need to adjust, and i can't rather i won't completely lose myelf for you. you're not even trying and i hate that. i hate feeling like everything is my fault and i need help. i'm loving you and you're loving me and we're simultaneously hating each other, it's bullshit. i think, i'm never positive when it comes to these things, you've poisioned me. your love, or whatever is was to you, has poisioned me. your love has poisioned me and your embrace is the only cure. without either you have left my spirit here to die. i know you haven't realised yet, but i'm scared. i'm scared of how i feel when i'm with you and away from you. i'm scared of fully loving you. so i lie to myself. i tell my self little things about you to comfort me. i tell you i can't make it sometimes because subconciously i yern for you but i just can't control everything so i "can't make it". your Goddess can't make it. she'll never show... it's raining now; ironic because i'm also crying. my words are crying and you're not here. i hurt so badly.


:)

the stars are alive

this is a letter to the men i've loved. it's not in proper letter format, i know. but this is for you. as a fast lover, i never wanted to love fast. never thought i'd be the one to anyway. you came to me, wounded and half filled, with promises you only kept half the time. goodbye. we possibly met through mutual friends, the internet, off the street, in a club/lounge/bar, on a train, in front of my school, on my campus, je ne sais pas. but you left a massive indellible mark in my life some how. most of you have weak minds. you found a girl like me who opened you up, completely for the most part, and i made you less vunerable to others. most of you hate me now. i don't completely understand why but its probably for some petty shit. for some of you, i wish i never met you. i wish i never crossed your path. because for some of you, there's only one of me [get it?] and you are not healthy for me. this is the last time i will ever see you again. i am trying to leave my past behind, i've never tried that but if you do it the right way i was told it can be gone forever. tetrahydrocannabinol, or however you spell it, has been my friend for some time now. it has filled the voids of you and therefore left me empty at times, or stuck, or even in the clouds. i've floated since you've left-- you always leave. i can't even remember a time where it was my decision to leave. i tend to do that though, i sometimes start petty situations to make you want to leave. sometimes i had the few who didn't want to leave at all, the few to thought they can stand my wrath/my breaking out or through the cages you've put me in. but i live. i need to live so i don't disappeear inside. i know thats what you wanted, you want me to disappear even a little so that i'll be easier to tame. aside from that we've probably fucked so you also love the way my vagina feels. there were times when you've tried and succeeded to verbally abuse me. you'd say "fuck you" and shit like "i'm a whore" or some other bullshit and i'd stay quiet.. because me yelling back at you won't solve anything and i realized that even before you thought you had the upperhand. you see, you fucking forgot i have a brother and he talks shit all the time. he even schooled me on allllll the shit yall niggas do so i'm definately not new to the bullshit your pushin. i'm content though. there's nothing else i can be. i know of your sleeplessness and your stress; it's all bull. because half of you created all the issues we've ever had. yall know i don't stress anything except for the obvious breakup reasons [i.e cheating] but to you it's everything i do or don't do. i had someone like you already, so i know how to deal; i know how to play passive and meet your needs... or wants for the most part. half of you never let go of your mothers tit; you still have hers and now you have mine so you feel like you need to be comfoted by both but I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. i used to love you. i did. and when i love, i love hard boy, you know it. but i began to fall, and they say what? "you fall even harder" and when you mess with someone like me you fall hard, and you miss me 100x more, and you call 20x more but i just save your name as IGNORE yes in caps, and i do just that 20x more. look, tonight i want you to look out your window and look for 3 stars and name all of them after me.

sincerely, the nicest: Isis.

quarantine your dreams

i'm a story-teller. i believe in mistakes and i believe in rewriting your mistakes. i hate this feeling i get sometimes when my world crashes. it's like heaven and hell, or the little we know about it, colliding and fireworks everywhere. its a horrible feeling. like right now i feel like exploding--i feel like i can't control anything at all and for the most part my little ass can't, but i sure as hell try. i need to be alone, but i hate being alone. everyone needs someone and i'm young, i can't be with someone now. although i'd like to think i do. i need consistency, which i hate. my sun god told me i wasn't consistent... it's in my nature not to be. i'm an inconsistent little person and i love that. he keeps talking to me about control and how much i want to control him but it seems as if its him that is desperately trying to control me. my fiance keeps saying "whatever" and "bullshit" to me-- what the fuck does whatever have to do with the question i am asking you and what bullshit are you specifically refering to? because i need to know. he's so vague. i know i shouldnt get upset about this shit, but it seems to me atleast, that if they don't want you to themselves (the control) they dont want you at all. then we have the ones that want you, but only for their convience, and i'm all for it i don't mind fucking you and just fucking you. but they tend to get attatched, they begin to forget that thats what they wanted and by you fulfilling that they grow on you and want more, he wants a relationship. one thing i dont believe in is relationships. i dont believe in anythnig that needs a title, except for the ones i make-up. society gets hung up on titles, but i'm not society.

i want to live in a world where people aren't so restricted. i want to live in a world where theres unlimited possibilities. i believe in parallel universes. i believe vermon control the earth, and other worlds we don't know about yet. things are in desperate need of change. i love to travel, i havent left the country often but i know i will. i just need someone to travel with, someone safe and with a mind half as crazy as mine. i dream alot. not in my sleep so much, but i day dream a lot. i like to read alot of DuBois and i like chocolate tall men who like what i like. i love my friends even the new ones i've met. ollie and gabbers are my loves. they don't know i'm sad often because i'm their shoulders to lean on. if you scream loud enough i'm almost sure i'll hear it. i believe in ice cream making everything better.

danger's at her finger tips

whores.

there's no better word. i just dont understand why we have sooo many adjectives if "only God can judge." this is absurd. these words make me feel berated, belittled, deficient, unsubstantial, subordinate -- limited. my brain cannot function in this environment where by every where i turn i am constantly being judged. its these fucking agjectives that is going to make the universe crash. i hate you. you stupid adjective. we're so fucked up that we even categorized the terms we use to judge ourselves; adjective. i woke up and felt like the world -- my world caved in. whore seems to be the only word i can think of where there is no specific word to describe a man. get it? there's promiscuous, but thats just to broad. extremely to broad. i fuck. and i love to fuck. i believe i'm a dude when it comes to fucking. "so she treats em like she treats em, better them than me.."

your cross; there you'll find her

I'm a Sagittarius. That's why you don't get it.

November 22 - December 21
Sagittarius, the ninth Sign of the Zodiac, is the home of the wanderers of the Zodiac. It's not a mindless ramble for these folks, either. Sagittarians are truth-seekers, and the best way for them to do this is to hit the road, talk to others and get some answers. Knowledge is key to these folks, since it fuels their broad-minded approach to life. The Sagittarian-born are keenly interested in philosophy and religion, and they find that these disciplines aid their internal quest. At the end of the day, what Sagittarians want most is to know the meaning of life, and if they accomplish this while feeling free and easy, all the better.
It's the Archer which represents Sagittarians, although in this case it's a Centaur (half man, half beast) which is flinging the arrows. Centaurs were the intellectuals of ancient Roman mythology, and Sagittarians are quick to consider themselves their modern-day counterparts. Those born under this Sign are clear thinkers and choose to look at the big picture most of the time. They also like it when others agree with their well-thought-out point of view. The alternative to this, for better or for worse, is a Sag who can become argumentative and blunt. That's not to say that these folks are intransigent -- Archers will listen to what others have to say, in keeping with the Mutable Quality assigned to this Sign. Indeed, Sagittarians are enthusiastic consumers of information (and enthusiastic in general), the better to get the answers they need. It's also a good idea to give Sags lots of room to explore their world. Once these folks start to feel hemmed in, they'll become impatient and difficult.





if compliments don't work, insults are a sure thing.

(s)he lives in my head

like a desert needs water, i need you alot. i had him. i had him where i needed him to be. he didnt know to much and he didnt know to little. i love him. i swear to God i do. act of desperation... i need cleansing -- ive decided to limit my usage on social networks. i'm changing my diet to more water based foods (veggies + fruits), more water, more protein, and less carbohydrates. ill start using my camera more. i didnt know this is what it felt like. almost always my fault--ALWAYS my fault. you have to much power over me. its slightly scary. he doesnt believe me and it pains me. ill say one thing and you have to attack it. but i forgive you like i want you to forgive me. i have too much love for you. i know you dont believe me, i wouldnt believe me. i use the word i alot. you asked me one night what i wanted from you, i told you love and everything that comes with it. the heartache, strife, breakup, make up sex, arguments, and distance. i have way to many flaws to count on your fingers and toes. this is why i need you to understand me -- you said youd try. you said that. im so fucked up and i know that. i know how shitty of a person i can be. im becoming less of who i thought i was by the day and i think this is good for me. i want you. i told you i want you. i want to be the person you wake up to, the person you go to sleep with at night, i want to love you each and every night and all through the day, i want you to keep me safe, i need security and i believe you can provide this, i want alot i know. hahaa cliche: you dont know what you got till its gone. unpredictable you are. i have no regrets though, because at the time i know thats what i wanted, i know. why i landed on this planet is beyond me. i think it was to find you... im going to need to talk to you, when i get my shit together youd better be ready for me.

i'll live forever if i could, but not like this.

i'm the envy of the women and i rule the men.

wake the fuck up. you know better than this. i know you do whatever you like, but how about trying to not like so many things. try hating even -- just begin to hate alot of things so that you won't be tempted -- don't let them consume you. i don't want them to get in your way. do whatever the fuck it is that makes you smile, and that can help you along. think about the time when people crowded your space, about that time when you felt inferior, about the times you've chopped your hair off, and about the times you've loved. you just want to live and not hurt anyone, or yourself. you would've dont the same thing for me too. i understand you more now than before. my life is a big dark room. a big. dark. room. no fucking lights or windows, and only one door. i won't follow the paths you've set up, or fall for the traps you've set up. i wont. i'm sorry you think i will. these herbs are rare. i set the shit and you always concur. always. time is wasting i'm sure. so, my favorite color is green, it used to be purple but i'm off that. i have a slight shoe addiction; ideal husband would buy my shoes every other week. theres little i like to do, and i won't waste this important time telling you what it is. change does not exist. college is what college does. no, i don't like all music. i'm very specific when it comes to tunes--neo soul and shit like that. i'm from brooklyn soo i guess my walk is mean? i've been feeling real bad lately, like unstable emotions bad. really weak, and i feel like a pig ate some of my limbs off slowly, spit that shit up then tried to mold it back =\. sick sometimes, almost as if it won't go away. i'm just trying to please.

this is how i look without makeup.

only one life to live. and baby girl you better live it

by the time you read this

my flowers. if i have any. they need to know how much i've loved myself. i want them to understand that everything wont be given to them. i want them to know that they are marked for life because of their pigment. although they are not going to like this, the melanin does defines them. they need to know that their "best" is not good enough. they have to try one hundred times as hard; in constant need of exceling. thats their only choice. when they grow up they wont be able to enjoy life... they'll have to pave the way for their children. if their children aren't trustfund babies then their future is doomed as well. death is on the tip of her tongue my flowers will prosper. it seems like its all up to me to help them advance throughout life. not too sure on what the future is going to bring, but if its better and cheaper than now i wont be as hard as i'm thinking about being, on my flowers. its all about money and pale skin. they wont know that though... they're going to believe in equality, interracial dating, and that the world is not aganist them. they'll think their mom is crazy and they'll probably be right. i'll teach them, at a young age, who truly defines them.

loveless bedroom filled with doom

i used to be happy. the world seems so very small.

please forgive me. i've been at my lowest point within the past week and i thought i had control... i used to control how i felt; mood changes now, i'm just unstable. it's as if i've lost my center. i remember being completely nonchalant towards everything. life, friends issues, my issues-i thought i had none, clothes. i always read though. so thats what i cared about. you're there and i'm here. i'm stressed. i guess the time is now. its better now than when i'm 38 and still wondering, hay-zeus knows i don't want that. i've been keep secrets from myself. still confused on how to get them out though but i'm trying. you know i'm trying. stuff i've forgotten is probably in there, things that made me smile are probably in there, my lost socks have to be in there, and ideas too. it's hard to create in this state im in. not to sire what i need to do. i'll do what metri said and focus. thats all i can do for now.

why won't you live for me?

said you'd be there for me.


i've been waiting, and hating that you dont crave me like i you. i dont want to speak of marriage anymore. i dont want to talk of children and a family. i dont know exactly what i want, but i'm planning. & while i'm turning you in, you're decphering my feelings and it's making me sooo weary. you're occupying my thoughts, and i think of you more now than before. i want you close, and every night when we're apart make up scenarios; a fight we never had, sex we'd never expierence together, and restaurants we never ate in. you called me the other day and asked why i was upset with you, you must somehow feel me miles away because i've never left a clue stating that i was upset. he asked if i still wanted matrimony... i told him no-- high is always equated with euphoria. why wouldnt any one want to be where i'm always at.

i feel like i'm searching for something. i dont tihnk i'll even know what it is though. me and my close friend here (at this university) share thoughts while high. our intuition is always the same and we always have the same insight on certain people. we even convinced ourselves this chick was a demon, mass hysteria-- i know that if i make one more wrong move it can change the course my life is on for better/worse. then if i don't make a move, i'll always be here. i don't exactly want to be stuck here, i was to prosper but i dont want to work to get there. why should i? i didn't ask to be here... i swear to HAY-ZEUS i didn't. why is it that once we're out the womb we're instantly being prepared to die. i hate you. i hate this process. i hate having noone to tell me whats wrong with me. i hate the guys that stare and ridicule me, then hit me up on FB. i hate having to wait. i hate it.


all i've ever had was myself and thats what i'm left with in the end.

space is king, or so i sing--

I left him again, for another weekend. =[
I dread leaving him, sleeping alone gets hard.

Hell welcomed me back with open arms. I doing too much at once and know I need to slow down, i don't. The fucking south-- i dont acknowledge time when I'm here. If I had to choose one thing about the south that I hate, it's the amount of phony people it harbors. People here love getting close to people from NY and Cali. The friendships aren't even gunine. This shit feels like I'm back in hs and I'm off that high school shit. I always embrace people. I've been told I was the type of girl who doesn't acknowledge shit until it hits the fan. im blinded because i always think i know. trapped.

a subway to venus...

Thought what I wanted was something I needed. When mama said "NO!" then I just should've heeded.

My soul is weary. I guess I do have morals. -said you'd be there for me-I've found a way to resist temptation. I'm a sagittarius so it's a bit hard, it's extremely hard. let me love you--

INTOXICATING

He's like my personal brand of cocaine... I'll wait, i usually don't wait though, i need to learn to hold compulsure. my Sun God did say im very spotaneous-- Sun God; hes now ready for me yet =[... At any rate, i'm always the one to rush into situations -- we'll call it. and if you KNOW me, as i believe you do, then you know i never give people time. as soon as i'm single i feel like i need to belong to someone, as if i need someone to hold me at night, in need of someone to feel the void of you. i have that now. not temporarily... if you feel like i feel please let me know that its real? I just cant be with no oone else-- there has been times when i've wondered why i'm with you, noone's hurt me more than you. i used to live for you, i thought. so many chances, i just didnt understand why i KEPT LETTING YOU BACK INNNNNN. digressss........ soooo, he doesnt like onions and i happen to cook with onions. hes tall, and im extremely short, i sometimes watch him in his sleep, precious dark skin tone... sweetest thing i've known. "at long last love has arrived, and i thank God i'm alive" he makes me happy, he doesnt realize it yet, he will. i smile alot for no reason at all around him. if he saw me when i was crazy bitter then he'd notice the change. time is moving so fast down here, i miss nyc so much. im always anxious for the evenings, thats when we spend most of our time together. --where were YOU when i needed you?-- he's so far away sometimes, just so hard to read. his stares and size is what makes me yern during the day. our love is strong. im so soft man, like i never wanted to get like this again. got me blogging about this shit. **sigh** now that i found you stay. i come back home smelling like you, you're straight occuppying my thoughts. and most times i love to hard-- i'm not as open as i know i can be, but when we get there i'll love you. trust in me.

cant take my eyes off of you - lauryn hill; that totally describes me right now. =\

i know i need to edit this OD...but i wont

heartbreak, cigarettes and songs

i used to love him... but now i don't.

school has resumed

biology major.
career, forensic scientist/medicine.
more $$$ more problems.
love? shoes.
sex.
$

Transition.

I've become to accustomed to being in a relationship that once I'm out of it, I lose everything. I don't want to be codependent, because-- I'm not awae of am emotional disorder that I have. Although that would be a great reason for why I constantly feel the way I do.
In my home there are 3 dominating signs, the Gemini [mom], Aries [brother], and Sagittarius [me]. We all can't rule under one roof. Fights tend to break out, not as often as they should, but when they do its like a country exploding. So.. I've met someone. He has conquered, though I promised myself I wouldn't allow it. But things got boring on my end. He's not as tall as I would've liked, and his complextion isn't the dark shade I prefer, but we make it work. We haven't gone out anywhere yet, or ever, because I'll be leaving for school on monday. Out of New York... into reality. I almost don't care if he doesn't show me any emotion. I have enough to give.
These guys I was in a relationship in were not all losers, Broadway J. Baker. They balanced my fast lifestyle, my drive for better, my tantrums, my fire. Days when I'd isolate myself from everything were the days when I most needed everything. Ever feel that way? There were times when I couldn't dream of living without people, things. Thought what I wanted was something I needed. I should've heeded.

I have to love myself 1st. That shit is so cliche.


CLEARIFICATION:
When I say love myself, I don't hate myself. I just mean genuinely, like at my bad and goood times. But I do love myself, alot of people I know and my friends don't love themselves. They don't think themselves as beautiful because of what is being promoted everywhere. I love my people; we're the most diverse race. From our melanin to our hair texture. Noone can get naturally kinky hair, ANYONE can have straight hair, ANYONE can get their hair blown out and asian perms. Long hair is EASY to get, may not be real but it's easy to persuae people. Try getting a bootsy collins, angela davis afro..... you cant. Try tanning for 15 hours and PRAYING you look like me... you can't. I love myself, but not genuinely.

this one's about me.

I've been bitter for as long as I can remember. Cold, he called me, like liquid nitrogen cold. I'll try very hard not to freewrite, but no promises. This transition began before I even bled, before I even knew the meaning of reproduction-- you've opened my eyes and still a bit blurred, I see. Trying to please everyone around me has caused me to loose a sense of myself. I have so many different levels of evil.... I digress. You know you're not everything I want, but you try to be. Telling me "you'll love me after this", or "anything you want, you got it" isn't making me love you any more or less. But I appreciate you for that. I appreciate the big things, as well as the minor things, but the bigger things more because they rarely happen. A perfect night, no matter the day, is with any 7 of my Audrey Hepburn films, a bowl of Top Ramen noodles and you. I'm not hard to please, but you are just so fucking difficult. I tell you what I want, you want to know how I feel. I'm young so I can't even decipher my own feelings. Only able to tell you what I want, when I want it has gotten me no where, but here. Over three hundred cuts/scars on my legs and arms, and you want to know the story for every last one. And I commend him. I commend him only because he knows that I know he doesn't want to know shit about my childhood; he only wants to know what skills I've learned from my childhood so he can expierence euphoria. I know I'm not the best and I know you think I am; when I fail you're either shocked or not suprised at all. It scares me how well you think you know me, yet I'm not fully aware of myself. Writing this will only lead to further destruction. I pray this will help me, but I don't know half the time why I'm angry. Surrounding myself with friends, strangers at that, so I'll feel more comfortable in my own skin. Healing is better when you're with people who don't know you well enough to judge you. I try to be on the scene as much as possible now, seems like thats tearing bits of me away. I noticed how down I wanted to be and it disgusted me. I nearly died at the thought of me becoming what I most despise-- not to sure if I despise anyone really. I'm shit compared to most. Scary how harsh I judge myself, I don't agree at all. Better me than someone who didnt see it coming. He texted me: "I smoke and 'find myself', and hardly ever find anything." That shit made so much sense to me, i el oh elled it away and acted as if it didn't phase me. Me an him talk too much on lost love, being out of love, living surrounded by love, love leaving us, people misaking sex with love, shit that I don't want to discuss because I'm not soft. People tend to equate sex with love to often. Not me though, which is why I can't speak on that topic vividly. I knew when I loved, how to love certain people, how I should carry myself in the presence of those I thought loved me. Shit like that made me appear genuine, sincere even, but I'm lost now. Don't know when it's the real me talking or the actress. They told me they'd rather die than find out I not Who I said I was. But who would they find out this information from? And isn't death our only promise? . I hate being in these situations where the male swears to Jehovah himself that he's better than me, and I have to put him in his place because he didn't expect me to know what the fuck is was/is that I want in life. Fuck what you fucking heard, I am Isis. I've been placed on this earth for one purpose and that is? --please tell me. Living in this goal-obsessed society to be someone who isn't quite sure what they want is hard as fuck! Guidance isn't what I need, I need someone who doesn't know who the fuck I am to evaulate me. To make a damn good hypothesis and tell me the conclusion. If I'm hopeless, let me rot. I've been rotting since birth, I won't mind.

try a little tenderness.

It's been a long time since I've last thought about you, "that way". You tell me sweet nothings and shit like you miss me or the worst of the bunch, i love you. Knowing good and damn well love don't got shit to do with the situation at hand. My trampled heart. Now, I'm strong in all that I do and say, so don't expect me to get all soft and less ignorant in person because of this blogger shit but you've messed up the next guy's chances at my heart. The future for me is full of deceit and I'm tired. I know I'm not the best host at times, and everything doesn't add up the way I've told it, but I'm able. I'm willing to please and thats what I expect back-- pleasure is my only calling because thats all I've known. Jaded since the day I've opened my eyes, I've embraced nothing more than you're large arms. Young girls... we get weary and love is our own happiness.



-- for He who shall not be named.

Michael Jackson Dies @ 50

Honestly, I am NOT a die hard fan. and this blog is NOT about how much I miss a man I never knew. Although this blog is to remind you that every second 7 people die and 9 are born. FUCK ONE PERSON, FUCK ALL HER DID. Imagine what those people did, how they died, how they're family must feel. We're stopping all the news, all this shit happening in Asia, and our country about to be in another war for ONE PERSON. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!. People die, thats life. You either learn to deal or, dwell in the past.

interracial dating, and such

you are my man. the one i am to confide in, you are my rock, and my strength. you are here to take the pain away, you're here to make shit better. yet, you constantly do things, that only you know how to do, to hurt me. mentally. but i allow it.

throughout life we constantly say "what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger" , but were they talking physically or mentally?

yall say you DONT want your woman to walk around in the skimpy shorts, and shirts that expose much of our stomach/boobs. but YET thats what you look at... thats what you YERN for. you guys gawk at those women while you're with your boys. but when YOUR woman does it its "GET BACK IN THE HOUSE" or what have you...

at any rate.
i'm walking with a friend and we were having a conversation about hair extentions, false nails, faux eyelashes and things of that. now he says "i dont get why 'my sistas' feel the need to resort to the european way of life." i punch him because i have on false nails. i spoke to him about how "my black men" chase these european women, and how we fell the need to save you all that trouble and just imitate them. we switch from european to white skinned women often. when i mention white skin i mean, you dont even fit in the yellow catergory. but, he gives me some shit about how the white colored women are natural--i correct him and tell him their hair isnt as thick as ours and that they get tracks [extensions] to make it full. i tell him how their eyelashes are full because their hair isnt. he tells me how turned off he is by their complextion, then says how in power he felt when he conquered yet another woman ligher than me. he talks about how it feels as if hes going aganist his parents, and i told him he is, if his parents knew what he was doing. He told me their bodies dont even turn them on completely, shapeless and pale. their attitude is "sweet and sincere. they throw themselves at me and i please". outraged.

i said, "black men dont want us to imitate them but yall constantly chase after them. why not look like something our men yern for? we want to be what you need." he says "we know where home is, but we need to venture off and 'test' our waters."

LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! let a affair like that occur in the 70s in one of the fuckin carolinas you'd be lynched. YESS THINGS LIKE THAT WENT ON THAT EARLY IN TIME. and they still occur now, people choose to mention what LARGE news is, and lynching in 2008 isnt large.
welll i guess he hates me, because he relizes how wrong his argument was. he calls me racist, i have a vaiety of races in my family. but i told him how confused i was when he he said they were "sweet and sincere" -- hell im sweet! i just dont get how interracial couples can take the hate filled stares that are shot their way. i still want him to tell me why he'd prefer something less than a queen, and why when we choose to assimilate yall STILL dont want us.

fuck what you heard

no really-- just mother fuck what you heard.
;]


PROM PHOTOS WILL BE UP JUNE 4TH.
PROM DATE IS JUNE 3RD.
[ ; tres tres excite. oui!

we run to things... and away from others.

Live the life you've imagined.

BITCH PAY HOMAGE!

I made AFRICAN BRAIDS come back. I made you want to do more than half the shit I'm doing. I don't care about half the world thats doing it, in our world you started it because of me. Unsure of yourself, you look for rescue in the arms of someone less worthy of your time. Someone as insecure as you-- you now have a follower. Following you to and fro, you guys have become the cloesets friends. I remeber the time you thought I'd told the whole world about something i'd just found out 2 minutes before the incident. Clueless and gullible are we. I have become less, but more prone to your games. Walking over me, I don't care much because I know what I want. I know what's in store for me in life, well at least I think I do. Atleast I know who to trust and who not to trust, who to let in my corner and who not to let in my corner. You see, I have become wiser- more expierenced. Expierence is the name everyone gives to their mistakes, and I make alot ALOTTT of those. Learn by me and prosper, my mother always said. But now I say that to you, because you are such a THIEF! Robbing the insecure, creating followers, becomming something you're not by placing yourself on this pedal stool. It's annoying how you expect me to follow you too... But you know me better than that. You know I can give two shits about whats going on in your life right now, but when you feel the need to confide in me I'm always around. At the end of the day when our kingdom fell apart you had your pawns I was one of them, when those pawns were caiught in the rapture and you got a new set of pawns I was one in that new set. I'm always around. BITCH PAY HOMAGE! Never getting the loyalty and respect I deserve I call you out. Here on this blogger. When you hate someone the hated never feel it, always the hater.--


There's so much shit everyone knows I've (and the other pawn) created, and you stole.
It amazes me how blind you are...

Dear Latin Guys,

It's me again. Your dulce de leche; the one you crave but worry about what your "boys" might say because I don't speak that "me da, me da" crap. Well I got something for you. I WON'T subject myself. I WON'T be your caramel "spanish" prototype. I don't want the shh, kind of relationship. The ones where, you whisper me something, but tell your friends and family something else. I won't get pregnant early; espicially since you want to keep me hidden anyway. I will not listen to how different you thought a black girl might be, because in actuality all females are generally the same. I will not allow you to call me nor my brother a "nigga" or any of your friends. Don't call me a "cocolo", because I will call you a "spic" or a gringo/guala(gwala). I will not have anal sex; unlike your female counterpart I care about where your penis goes. I will not have sex with you-- your cousin-- your friends OR ANYONE BUT YOU while I'm with you. I will not straighten my hair, you told me you was feelin' me when my hair was in naps, so you'd better like it now. If you don't like my, kinky hair and all, then STICK IT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!

hold on to me

It's kind of hard to pick a favorite. I'll have to be greedy and say everything is my favorite everything. So hard to keep from you, I just met you. You're leaving, and so am I. "We'll write everyday!" you said, but you cant even call and tell me "goodnight". Wishing for this stage in my life to pass, so i can fast forward to the riches and the glamour and sit in my rocking chair with my grandchildren. I'm so beyond this-- everything is moving to slow for me. Independence is only a click away, but I wont dare touch it. Afraid? Afraid of failure, I am not. Afraid of what people might say, I am not. Afraid of what I can't accomplish, I am. Holding up to expectations isn't why I'm here, I just want to define my life. My purpose?-- dare I say. But I'll figure it out. I always do. When love comes around, I feel it. And I swear I've never loved anything as much as you. It should be a sin how hard I love. Dedication, I got that. When I'm in it I'm in; don't have any doubts on my half. I know what I'm capable of. But as for you, you play so much-- I remember the night you said you'd call me back, and the morning I called you because I wanted to argue. All I said was goodnight and hung up. The least you could've done was told me "goodnight".

as before part. 1

I don't want to ever have to bury my child. I want husband to die first. Something goes on in a mans head when their wife dies first, their entire sense of independence goes out the window and they become an empty vessel. Women are strong in many different ways than physically. We are the backbones of this world and we're the safe harbors of life. Although color may vary, we're essentially the same. When I grow old I would like my grandchildren to remember me as a nonchalant misfit. I want to be remembered as a child who can put her foot in it when she cooks. I want to be remembered as the woman who creates. I want my legacy to live on in my grandchildrens children. Death is of the essence...? I never understood that, but one thing I do understand is time. And our time is running out. Do all you can to be all that you want. Smoke all you want, drink all night, and fuck all day; in the end it was all worth it. Life is shorter now than ever before. People say we're not liberal as we once were-- conservative she calls us. There's shit left to fight for. I feel like im rambling...-- i'll continue this later.

poverty is expensive

Men don't know how to love in the same place they lust. They're weak, and they need to be mothered. Searching for someone who resembles their mothers, they're unconciously commiting incest. Tired of constantly telling you how to love me, how to allow my shattered heart to mend itself and reallow another painful breakup. But this is different, you understand that you were weaned from the breast as a baby, you understand what I've been longing for. Scared to say you complete me too soon, I want to hold off any and all negative thoughts. Believing good things as this don't happen to me-- ever, you make me over analyze everything. "just live" you wrote, will do.


sincerely,
-i'mmovingon.

baby when i used to love you...

I don't completely understand why you'd want me back. I'm evil and I've been called a bitch a numerous amount of times, and I've accepted that. People don't get any worse than this. I'm not the one to compare myself to a heartbreaker, but if the shoe fits... You constantly find me, via myspace, cell (call/text), aim-- all of these devices which are supposed to link us make me want to drift away from you. You say I "walk around like your shit don't stink, IT DOES!" well baby I know alot of people who think otherwise. STOP TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME, HOW MUCH YOU NEED ME/WANT ME BACK. It's unbearable to think of, all the shit I put you threw but you choose me?! Of all the ladies in the world, and you'd want ME back?? I know I'm completely invested in myself, and I'm young and selfish like that but let me live. Let me be able to live out my mistakes, allow me to take chances. I want to fuck up. I want to be put in a life threatening position. I need to take the risk, so the fall can change me. I need you to understand that "I am not broken, please don't fix me". Molding me won't make me happy, and baby I know you want me happy, but first you need to learn to accept. I am forever in your debt, you showed me how to grow. You were the one who opened my eyes, and without noticing I allowed you to take full control. I am now blind and I need time to regenerate. Needing time away from you is all I can think of, but the amount of hurt I will feel is going to consume me. You wanting me back would be a waste of time and a huge mistake. I want you happy and free from my flaws. You bruised me. For my current state of jade, to whom it shall not be named; I'll love you forever.


- Je ne suis pas fini. =\

ride into the sunset

"Vanity hides wounds that still probably hurt, and panoramic insanity dooms doers of dirt."

biggie had babies yesterday

DOB: APRIL 6,2009
i think its about 11 of them, but i cant see them all
and idk how many she ate, if she ate any.

they look like a bunch of pink pinkies and they cry when she gets up to stretch... its crazy.

so i guess i'm the grandmother....
whenever meech gives me my camera back i'll take photos of them...
and in 3 more weeks they'll have fur, open eyes, and they'll be running around the cage.

they also need more space.

wounds bleed fresh

It's been a while since I've last seen you. You talk about change, but in all honesty we can't. I'm sorry you're so hung up on the fact that our distance has changed you. That it has allowed you to grow up and progress? Sincerely, I doubt it. I've been in your shoes too often to believe these new weekly "I'm a changed man" speeches. Yes, you have changed, your outter existence has changed. Mentality only progressed... for the worst. Our conversations are usually about the past which was more than 3 years ago. I am definately not that girl, and I'd like you to stop talking about her. I'm molding myself to become more resistent. And yea.. I knowww you and youuu want me to be an open book, but this time I won't feed into the bullshit you enjoy seeing me believe. I'd grow, maybe even prosper and become more self reliant. That girl was pure-- I'm tainted and I've been used and I've accepted what I've become. I like my raw, nonchalant, fuck the world attitude. Because I only see myself in it. I can only see my struggles, my hardships, my pains. I'm sorry when you speak to me about 'how much you've changed' I don't have the right responses. I give you all of my raw emotion and you either have to take it or not. I understand you're going through it but so am I... so is everyone. Those little arguments with your mom, your sister, and your MIA dad aren't new to me. Debates with your fmaily, the ones you'd die for, shouldn't make you a changed man. Females you've been with shouldn't changed you either. But I understand you're like me, we're to tainted people living in the world we made up. Where only me and you exist. Dwelling on the past, we believe that when you return we'll be what we were... you said i was impossible to read, well imagine me now. It'll be easier to move on and to still keep in touch instead of forcing this to work out. Its like spraying perfume on shit. well.. c'est la vie, we'll figure it out i guess. till next time.


- frio- april fools?

psyche is telling me i need these nikes

a letter to my son...

im sorry that your never at ease
sleepless nights, turning and tossing
always on my terms you can never grow
the potential you have is crazy
but i will always hold you back,
afraid of what you can accomplish
i won't allow you to prosper...

hungy--
you're one of those slick talkers, even if you can't talk
your hunger and passion is illuminating
you see even farther that i do
your light is mine, and that time you cried
and i held you, because noone esle could--
the other donor left before you can say your first
sentence: 'i'm hungry, mom.'
so i was left holding you...

son, i believe you cry because i can't provide
single mother living in extremely well conditions
with the most amazing 3 year old-- you
my son, Adonis
you glow in every aspect, you're only 3 but you see real
your light is mine, and with every blow i give you
not wanting you to prosper, you work around that
and live up to your name.

we think of people to give the weight of the world to
i chose you... you aren't my burden but i will make you it
too weak to anty up and take initiative, you'll become
my tainted harbor. apologies won't even cover that hole
in your heart, knowledge beyond my years-- you're are only
3 and you look at me with eyes filled with broken promises
empty dreams and aspirations, shit i said that were only
true half the time.

so i guess my sorry wasn't good enough...
that last poem i made you and asked you to comment on
didn't meet your priorities..

crystal light

sometimes the things he provided weren't good enough.
i'd sit and long for more. maybe all of my longing payed off
when you came. stumbled along into my broken life.
i say it's broklen because nothing is ever constant; the men in
my life, the clothes, thoughts, and aspirations-- constantly
conflicting, constant chaos.

you make me want you without trying.
still i sit, paitiently this time. you'd walk towards me because
you remember how hard it is for me to get up when you are
concenred. legs shaking, arms feeling heavy, nerves losing
control. on my last L so I'm gone...

"i thought i had you all figured out" you said as you pulled
i said you are the constillation that guides me home,
the star that lights my path. you passed..

I usually don't post a title until after I write the blog, but this one isn't recieving a title at all. Espicially after this one because yess once again the topic on REANNE MITCHELL as come up. Me and Natasha was speaking, and shes like why don't yall talk. I told her why. Explained to her why shes a smut, why shes fake (including the false hair/eyebrows/nails/personality), explained to her why i don't associate with them because once you do it to someone else you'd do it again. She tried explaining to me how people change. NO THE FUCK PEOPLE DON'T. It is NOT in human nature to change. We will not change, our lives and morals (if any). Our way of life is based on instinct. I'll write about that in another blog.

Natasha said she tries to exclude her bad sides and look at ONLY the good. Who would want to be so blind and ONLY looking at what you'd believe to be GODSENT. Shit pisses me the fuck off yo. Yess I do want everyone to place her bitchass on a fuckin island and excommunicate that bitch. Never would I expect anyone to be sooo triflin yo. As nice and as loving as I am, ME?? You'd want to hurt me.

At this point,I'm not even hurt.. just limit my communication with people. Stare people in the face and call things like I see things. It's came to the point where I don't want my friends and associates talking to her. Like if i heard some shit like that that one of my friends did, espicially if its a nigga I'd cut them off. Because if shit was easily done to one of her cronies [me] then she can be just as triflin' to you. I don't understand why thats so hard to see. Well.. shes a bitch and everyone that talks to her is a smut, and I will never forgive her or my ex for that matter. YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME IF WAS SEMI NAKED FUCKING PHOTOS! or somethin. I should trip her every time I see her, thats mad childish yall are whispering I know I know but it's gotten to that point.


see ya soon Bitch.

hampsters...

I've finally decided to take photos of them since they seem to get lost for days at a time and noone has seen them yet.

BIGGIE = GIRL
STORM = BOY








They ran away for days at a time, possibly 2 weeks in total. I do take care of them... I'm a good mommie. They fight, I dont know if they've had sex, is so then I will recieve abour 8 babies 3 weeks later.... yeaa i kno EIGHT?!!! But they are a hand ful. I got them spontaneously, I walked past a pet store, turned back in looked at everything, then 2 days later, that friday I bought them, I didn't know what I was getting myself in to.

They fit in my pocket. STORM! is a pussy, and Biggie is the ring fuckin leader. Dumb trick shes always escaping. I gotta code red like every hour. Shes a mess. But; I really want to take them for a walk. .. =\

for the record; my heart is sore

This year I am on a mission. I want more. Wanting more has lead alot of rejections. I apologize if you dont reach my standards. My mission is.. none of your business but I'd like to complete it before the end of the world approaches. I have to meet this dead line and it gets harder every month. I don't purposely reject you, it's just I know I'm worth so much more. Yes yes.. you can shower me with your lavish gifts and what not but you are not (dare I say) my type, as if i REALLY have one...

If you live in NYC you know the "map seats" are the WORST. I'm riding the local C train from 135th (harlem) to Utica Ave. (Bed-Stuy), because I like to take those, train please rock me into a deep sleep but wake me up before my stop, naps so dont sue me for not hoping off on 125th to take the A express. Anyway, I'm sitting in a map seat. Now the map seats are regular seats, but a minature map poster is replacing the college/museums/party ads. which they MTA employees place so inconsiderably behind your head. I'm facing the fact that NYC has a stupid amount of tourists... I understand tourists don't know they're way around, GRANTED but don't be so fuckin rude about geting around the city. Do NOTT not say "excuse me", I only want to be acknowledge. I know you don't have anywhere to go, because you are TOURING you need to get lost to find your way back... thats NY boo get with it. So these orientals, about 7 of them are hovering over me when i wake up. one has a map in his had and has it opened the other 6 are trying to find whatever route. I knowww I was asleep and they possibly was intimidated because I was black and didn't want to say pardon but don't allow me to wake up and STILL NOT say excuse me. So I'm waving my arms, in protest of course, and I'm like "WTFFF.... GETTHEFUCKOUTTAMYFACE!" yea yeaa mad hood. Then they got off at like Canal St. or some shit , which was the next stop, since the train was in the tunnel. lol idk
i dont think it was they're stop.

but that pisses me off... HEADS UP: NEVERRRR SITT IN THE MAPP SEAT!

honest to blog!?

idk why I'm always sleepy and i eat alot.
i am not pregnant.

im becomming more and more absent minded.
... forgetting way more than i usually do.




anyone have any reasons as to whyy?!!!!

the drugs?... alcohol?...pain killers?!!
and i dont o d on them but i get alot of headaches.. so like i HAVE to take them.

right?..

ridding my heart of mortal fight

As I sip my tea, I think of times we had-- fun... lack of a better word. And I'm being really vague for a reason. You are the epitome of heartthrob, every time I see you, whenever I do see you causes me to think of, nothing. You clear my head and I love that. Like my Bayer asprins, you are my pain reliever. My quick escape. No-- in this blog I refuse to discuss the failed relationships, and the past "flows". Noo... I wont make things any harder anymore, not until next time that is.

This blog is about people. The phonies/wannabees, the ex's/currents, the "friends" and the "well i AM your friend... sometimes", and the I wanna be JUST LIKE YOUs. I admire you guys. You guys make it possible for me to flourish, and be MORE creative, to be MORE of an inspiration for you. Someone for you to idolize. I know I'm going in, but YESSS I do believe I pave the way for alot of my associates, friends, co-workers and ppl I see daily. I am not that different, I'm just a free spirited opptimist and I'd like to be acknowledged as such. I dont walk around SEARCHING for identities. I don't hop on a different train as soon as I think this is me. Because THIS-- IS-- ME. I am an advid blogger who desn't post all her blogs, forgets thing way to often, and I am electronic savvy. I know whats wrong and right, we have different morals, agreed, therefore what I deem necessary and true you might not. Things I hold dear to me are my family, and selective friends.

To my ex's whom I love so much. Yes I do love you. Yall are my rocks, my foundations because-- what I am now is what I wasn't then. You've definitely pushed me to flourish, to decrease my expectations and to not settle. I've noticed how you've always managed me to do things your way, how my way wasn't good enough or just never what you expected. I've become so weak feeding into your bullshit thats it's causing me to lost security. Becoming insecure, next to being like everyone else, is my second fear. I need to spread my wings, freedom is right outside but I refuse to escape. My insecurities keep me.. "home" where everything is safe and adventure is a lie, there is no hope here but there is always tomorrows and more tomorrows after that, that hold the same future and tell the same story. Getting no where with you i soon need to seek refuge, in a new "home" safe and far away from you so that being myself wont make you feel like you have to try hard. Pleasing you, pleasing you, pleasing you to keep you from wanting to change me. Changing me for the better, because this is what you + society wants, but you are society so there becomes the two of you eating away at my safe harbor-- my place of refuge.

to my friends... yall are dope yo. but like hop off my swaggggg.





- la vie est belle =D

broken sundown fatherless showdown

I usually wont confuse the two but j'ai deux amants. In a way, this is a perfect way to heal. I'm not saying my conditon is healthy but, I will manage. I always have. Amour has fucked me in the ass to many times I almost wished I wasn't concieved. Then the world would be missing out on so much, moi. He hasn't called anymore, he's swoon over a new hot flame and
I'm not even mad. Should I be? I'm still that baddest female in the club, your block, school wherever. Looking back I don't recall use having mutual intrest, other than sex and yet I our minds were apart while engaged in that. Man candies will come and go but when you find your Lennon and Ono you'd better not let go. Time won't get hard, loving will become sronger and you wont crave as much because of the amount of trust, respect, and love you'll have for that person.
I am not ready to settle down. I procastinate, I bitch and I moan, I'm completely nonchalant, and I'm selfish. Not great qualities but if you cannot deal with them at all times then by all means, find me someone who will. Not now though, as I initially wrote, I aint gonna settle. It's amazing how many guys want you when you're taken, but as soon as you're available they're in reverse. Not looking but I'm observant and I've noticed its a countless amount of times. The girls with a guy and at her best the other guys want her, the girl and guy breaks up and at her best again the other guys ignore her. Classic scenario. Can I be a bachlorette with children?...
Notice how things in a relationship change because of either insecurities, time, location. All of a sudden wherever you've traveled to for the past 4 years is to long of a commut or to far a distance for you to go any longer. Guys are so simple it's extemely useless to waste time on them, but the females need to loosen up and not stress over so much. I guess thats why im single now because of my "brush it off" nonchalant attitude I never leave home without. Men build up insecurities, the only thing we (YES WE!) need to do is stroke their ego's. Honestly, they're ego's are they're only form of protection, if their ego is bruised so is their skin their wardrobe their aura. Keep their ego's unscathed and lasting long wont be an issue, but do you really and I mean REALLY want only to please him. Make him so secure he's blind. I believe with every relationship, where trust is an issue, you should tell that other person to learn to trust themselves, and I, trust in no man says the Lord trust in me i am the Lord, I believe in that, so trusting me and trusting you is an issue.
We'll get in to that at another time though. But relationships aren't hard man, Just maintaing a long lasting one, where everyone is happy is hard. But it'll get worst, you just gotta roll with the punches and give in alot of the time. I'm tired of giving in, because I never did and when I opportunity arrises I don't take advantage and drop te issue, i let it fester and then bring it up again in the future. I always need closure. Thats my issue. Even now with my 143 I need closure. Soon though... not strong enough now. Both amants are not and will never be prepared for things that I bring up, and things I'm about, and I love them for that. Because they're willing to change me, because they care that much about what it is I'm doint at every minute, even when I'm lying, is what keeps me sane. I swear I'd be an empty vessle walking if I didnt have my amants(lovers). I can care for myself, I'm self reliant. I dont advise anyone else to be as dependable on me and I am with myself. Don't forget how selfish I am.


-- gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah i suck dick

roll of thunder hear my cry

my Creativity has escaped. i had her locked within my palms, safe from harm, and at that time a lock and key was to drastic for little Creativity. but she escaped from my palms. because at that time there was only me and noone else to take her. there was only me and no competition. there was only me and noone around to "borrow" her. my Creativity is lost. i.. i let her out in hope for her return, fresh and new with a totally new outlook on life. hopeless dreams and aspirations. she must have slipped between the cracks of my fingers. or rolled off my finger tips. because we we're inseperable.

i long for her now. i hear her weep sometimes, the way she used to when i wasn't using enough of her. my Creativity, i miss her. she had the craziest ideas all the time, from haircuts to missing limbs. i swear if you find her... return her.

hear my plea.

this is for you...

watch the company you keep.
Bitches is triflin', so to speak.

I'm not even trying to rhyme. Bitches, i have none in my circle, as far as I know. I did though. We was cool, it was seven fo us, chicks. NOW I KNOWWWWW SEVEN SEVEN?!!! GIRLS TOGETHER IS A HASSEL, but we pulled through. We knew the snakes, but we labeled them wrong. One snake didnt get kicked out, which made our team fall. She's busty shes FAT yeaa BITCHH YOU ARE OVER WEIGHT!!!


fellas you might like this one...
photo credit: www.myspace.com/streetsweepers



i dont give a fck.
SHES .. IM NOT EVEN GOING TO CALL HER A BITCH... BECAUSE I'VE BEEN CALLED A BITCH, AND I'VE BEEN THE BADDEST BITCH THERE IS SO... SHE'S THAT GUNK ON THE BOTTOM OF THOSE HOMELESS NIGGAS SHOES, ON 168TH.

stop pretending

do not lie to me.



Stop telling me your worth my time. Stop allowing me to believe that when you return you'd be there for me like I was for you. Two years of my life. Two fuckin years. Then we drifted farther apart. You lie, I lie. I swear I fuckin swear to ... yo you make me want to go and get you. Take you back home. Make you remember what you'd loved. Things you used to cherish. Seriously, you said you thought I'd forgotten. That I was over you.. YOU told ME how I felt. Your shit isn't real, your facades are worthless to me. I know you way better than that. I KNOW how much your in love with me. And it's sad, really and truly sad, because ---

NULL & VOID

JC =/

possessive,

you are.

Caught up in what you deem necessary and true.
Your living a lie love and your grip is killing me. Trying to push away, such benevolence it would be, but I'm not able to allow my self that much freedom. I am so used to your clutch that I'm conforming conforming, conforming to what you'd consider an ideal woman for every man. To tired to change, to tired to protest, to tired. I will be giving you up soon. Your attitude strikes me and with every lash I weaken, commiting suicide to my motives and thoughts... motives and thoughts our motives and thoughts are now shared; what i breathe you breathe, my pain is your pain, and my word is yours. It's almost annoying how much alike we've become. My weakness, our weakness.
Becomming much to accustomed to sleepless nights, your clutch once again murders a part of me. Selfworth going-- slowly fading. Not budging no protest, you get your way I'm searching for mine. Possessive means
jealously opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one's own upon, a spouse. You my love will forever be that. Life progresses, you don't your shit is the same as this and that niggas', I know of all the scheming I and the last girl has done but honestly you cannot tame me. Roaring with the real Goddess Isis in my blood I will rule at everything I do. I am a freedom loving, blindly optimistic, sincere, tactless, generous, impatient, cocky Sagittarius. Get over it.

NO! I will not ... and I'm DEAD ASS

WIIILLLL NOT EVVERRRRR MEET YOUR STANDARDS.

I'm sorry.





Author did not intend anyone to feel a connection to whom she was writing about.